sorry mate i didn't see you

There's this guy I know....

2006-08-15T12:15:00.000Z

....who really likes his traditional photography. Old school cameras with no fancy electronics, black & white film developed in the kitchen and printed in the back bedroom. Real photo's with a little bit of his soul in every one.

Problem is, recent months have seen a complete cessation of any form of silver halide exposure. Darkroom being turned into storage room whilst house stuff is being done and a shortage of chemicals for a while has really curtailed the artistic endeavours. To remedy this and after much soul-searching, matey has taken a drastic step and purchased himself a digital camera. Nothing fancy mind, it's pretty much fully manual with nothing in the way of bells & whistles but it has got him out & about snapping again.

He's trying to ignore the constant insults and abuse being hurled by his Jimmy Cricket but it's no good, the only way to placate the little bugger is to unpack the other cameras and start using them again. He still needs somewhere to develop and print though, so thoughts are turning to building a shed in the garden for a darkroom and turning the conservatory into some sort of studio that can also be used by his wife for her new jewellery hobby.

Much as he hates to admit it, turning (albeit in a small way) to the evil god digital seems to have fired him up again, creative juices have started flowing and the new camera has opened up imaginative possibilties that used to be too much effort.

To get an idea of what's going on in (ahem) his head at the moment check out the new photoblog here.

Diagnosis: Gilberts Syndrome. That explains everything.

2006-07-31T15:46:00.000Z

After nearly four years and numerous procedures my latest hospital trip is going to be my last for a while now. Not much point me going every three months to be weighed, drained of blood and told nothing has changed when they couldn't do much about it if it had. Better to leave that sort of thing to my GP apparently. It's up to me now to look after myself and make sure I don't have to repeat this wonderful experience. Hmmm, that'll be a good incentive then.

The problem is I now know what the problem is! I have been diagnosed! 'Surely that's a good thing' I hear you mutter under your breath so the boss doesn't hear you and realise you're surfing blogsites instead of doing work.

Well it is in a way. I now have a better idea of what I need to do to keep myself healthy(ish) but on the minus side, everytime I feel a bit off it's because of the Gilberts, if i'm tired it's the Gilberts, if I can't concentrate it's the Gilberts. If I've just spent twenty minutes on the loo suffering hideous stomach cramps whilst every last dreg of every meal I've eaten in the last three months is forcibly expelled from my bowels it's the bloody Gilberts (alright so in this case it probably is).

The point is I don't want to become someone who's entire life is governed by their condition, either in their own minds or in other peoples. Yes, Gilberts Syndrome does cause fatigue, but so does going to bed at 3 o'clock in the morning. No I shouldn't really drink Alcohol but a couple of beers now and again isn't going to hurry me to an early grave. Fatty foods probably aren't a good idea but that applies to everyone and in the last six months i've lost a stone, how have you done?

It's hereditary, there's no 'cure' and i'm stuck with it. Some days I feel utterly shite, some days I just want to put my head down and sleep for 24 hours but until last week I just thought it was how I looked after myself in general and I should do something about it. Now, if I choose to, I have a label to hide behind and use as an excuse.

If I do, then you have my permission to slap me.

Last picture post

2006-07-24T11:30:00.000Z

... for a little while anyway. Don't want to bore you all! Anyway, Renthal bars and Motrax mirrors are now in place.

Aside from the fact the bike is now starting to look nasty, the riding postion has been improved and visibilty behind me is 100% better, especially at speed. I'm now slighter further forward over the wheel and can tuck in better without those hideous old mirrors right in my face.

New bitz

2006-07-20T10:50:00.000Z

Got a few new bits on the bike now. Official Kwak screen and seat cowl, a Tail Tidy International tail tidy with mini indicators, tarty rimstripes and a starter motor cover. Only things left to do now are fit the gold Renthal ultralow bars and bar end mirrors I picked up this week.

Now i've replaced the small barge known as my rear mudguard it really has accentuated the length of the standard Kawasaki end can. So I have a cunning plan. The very nice people at MTC do a rather OTT twin exit Tri-oval stumpy can which comes in under £200 delivered.

You know it's got to be done.

Quick update

2006-07-13T15:34:00.000Z

I am still about. Even got a couple of posts planned shortly. Bike had its 600 mile service last Thursday (with 750 showing on the clock) and is now boasting a Kwak genuine screen and seat hump (pictures will follow, Mad before you ask). Mileage currently sitting at just over 1000. Tail tidy to go on this weekend, got my eye on a set of gold Renthal ultra-lows with bar-end mirrors then the 'look' of the bike is sorted. Other plans include ZXR636 rear shock and fork transplant and a stubby end can of some description.

Other news? Not much really. Saw the Chili's and it was gooood. Portman Road Acoustics were shite though! Going to see The Divine Comedy again in November and will be logging on at 9 o'clock exactly tomorrow morning to pick up some tickets for Muse.

Work is slowing down a little at the moment so I am optimistic about getting one post a week out for the next few weeks at least.

Or something.

Supermassive Extravagnza

2006-07-04T15:06:00.000Z

There is one band I have wanted to see live from the first time I heard them and Muse's new album, 'Blackholes & Revelations' has just made that urge itch even more. If you're not familiar with the sounds of Teignmouths finest then I suggest you pick up 'Blackholes' now and be ready for some serious rock.

Imagine Thom Yorke at his most existential joining forces with Queen at their most operatic and you'd be about halfway to understanding the sound of Muse. Huge guitar solos full of feedback and distortion fight for attention with crashing piano interludes, all overlaid by the wailing voice of lead singer Matt Bellamy have characterised the bands previous three albums, most notably in the raw sound of 'Origins of Symmetry' and the slickly produced 'Absolution'.

So how does this latest offering compare?

The sound is still definitely Muse but it's obvious from the very first track, 'Take a Bow' that things have moved on. The whole thing starts off sounding like the soundtrack from a Sci-Fi movie, then 1min 39 secs in something unexpected happens when an Erasure-like bassline kicks in and away we go. Things stay unpredictable from thereon in. 'Assassin' is probably the closest you're going to get to the sound of 'Origins', with the other tracks getting more and more over-the-top, culminating in the gloriously silly 'Knights of Cydonia', a real 'Seven Seas of Rye' for the 21st Century.

'Blackholes & Revelations' is a fantastically extravagant Space/Rock/Opera/Epic that should please existing fans and will hopefully (with their new-found higher profile) introduce some new ones to the weird and wonderful world of Muse.

Well, you asked for it.

2006-06-30T13:04:00.000Z

After the overwhelming response from both my readers here are some more hol pics.

The old Venetian fort that overlooks Kassiopi harbour.

Me wishing i'd bought a decent camera loaded with that roll of IR film i've got sitting in the fridge.

Why would anyone clamber over sharp rocks to reach a pebble beach this small?

To swim in water this blue!

That's your lot for Corfu folks. But while your here you might as well check these out. Apparently people are interested.

Oh Yeah!

Current revs: 6000rpm
Current top speed: 80mph
Current miles: 406
First service booked in for next thursday. Bring it on!

Olly Day - The Review.

2006-06-27T13:49:00.000Z

What can I say. Seven day in Sunny Corfu. Temperatures hit 44 Celcius. The food was mostly lovely. The resort was just the right size. The appartment was basic but clean. The hill up to the appartment was steep but short. We would go there again. We won't be going with the in-laws though. 50cc quads are very slow and bloody hard work. Here are some pictures.

The hill.

The Resort from the top of another hill.

I would like to say this last one has been deliberately blurred to conceal my secret identity but I just set the focus up wrong on the RAZR.

More pictures might follow. Depends if anyones interested.

Life, the Universe & Everything

2006-06-27T13:32:00.000Z

42.

That's the ultimate answer, everyone knows this but debate still rages about the question. OK, so I wasn't sitting in a Cafe in Rickmansworth, but on Satuday morning at about 11.30am I had an epiphany. I now know what the question actually is!

What speed in mph will you be travelling if your brand new Kawasaki Z750 is in top gear and showing 3000rpm maximum as recommended by your dealer?

There you go, told you I knew the answer. 42mph.

Everywhere.

Including dual carriageways.

For 50 bloody miles!

I had a caravan-towing Honda getting impatient behind me. I was overtaken by a codger in a Mark I Rover 200. I got stared at by hoards of scooter riders as they buzzed past. I just wanted to disappear but that's just plain impossible when you're riding a motorbike that resembles the bastard lovechild of a preying mantis and David Dickinson ("Oh David, he's got your complexion but his mothers eyes! He's a real Bobby Dazzler")

In case there are readers out there who have no idea what i'm talking about I would first draw your attention here (which should clear up why sitting in a North London Cafe is vitaly important to understanding the nature of the universe) then remind you that I picked up my new toy Saturday morning.

Safe to say the first fifty miles were dispatched as quickly as possible and i've now started building the revs up to the 6000rpm max before the first service at 600 miles.

Current revs: 4500rpm
Current top speed: 65mph
Current miles: 236

Things to do if you're not going to watch the footie

2006-06-15T12:32:00.000Z

For those amongst you who haven't stumbled across it yet I can recommend bikepics.com as a good way to waste a few hours. As the name suggests it's a site ful of bike pics posted by its members. Want to see what other people have done to your model of bike? Chances are it's here somewhere. They also have a featured picture of the day, this'ns from last week.

Can't work out whether he's about to bin it or he's just a shit-hot motard rider.

Olly Day

2006-06-15T11:58:00.000Z

Like the special edition look to the blog? Phoned up yesterday to get my reg number and got told the bike is in!! Unfortunately i've got a week in Corfu to get through from tomorrow before i get my grubbies on my new beast. Never thought i'd be wishing for a holiday to be over before i've even got there!

Mind you, a week in Greece is certainly appealing at the moment. Only real downer is i've booked off the same time as Mockney*.

^{*Mental note to self; to maximise time spent away from the whinger by making sure you go on holiday AFTER he gets back. DOH!}

Does God know?

2006-06-08T12:10:00.000Z

This is just fucking incredible. Someone needs to sort these fuckwit lunatics out and soon. I'm speechless with rage!

Still here.........Just

2006-06-06T14:10:00.000Z

Work has gone ballistic the same as last year. This time though i'm determined not to pull the plug on the blog, posts might just be few and far between for a while. Some news though. The 'Cat is being replaced with this:

About 45 minutes ago I put in my order for a BRAND NEW baby Zed courtesy of the guys at Seastar Superbikes. And yes it's orange (or Pearl Blazing Orange to give it it's full title)! Should be ready for me to pick up the day we get back from Corfu at the end of June.

As for the 'Cat, i'm afraid she's being part-exed down to our local scrappie, another victim of a world that puts style over substance. When a perfectly healthy, mechanically sound bike has to be put down because no-one can see past the cracked and fading bodywork then there is no hope for us. It will be a sad day indeed when I drop her off but she has a strong heart and decent boots so her demise could mean another Puss stays on the road.

Driving Standards Agency - Warning

2006-05-17T08:31:00.000Z

Normal service will be resumed shortly. In the meantime Motorider has received this memo from the DSA:

"In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and/or driving ability to display a warning flag. The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required."

Be careful out there!

Questions I'd like to ask Mockney if he had a sense of humour #2

2006-05-08T14:13:00.000Z

Why do you always say, 'I'm on the dog & bone' when 'I'm on the phone' is:
A) Quicker and
B) Makes you sound a bit less of a prat?

Music Man

2006-05-04T14:57:00.000Z

Tonight we will mostly be going to a Kubb gig at the Norwich Waterfront. It's the latest band we've made an effort to see in recent months, starting with The Prodigy back in November (a full review of that night can be read here).

At the end of February we went to see Brighton band The Go! Team at the LCR, purely on the recommendation of an American comic, Questionable Content. Great night (apart from a minor ticket malfunction for a couple of our party) with two excellent support bands. First up were Smoosh, two girls on keyboard and drums who gave a pretty rocking set, made all the more impressive for me when I discovered they were only 12 & 13 years old! Next up were The Grates. Imagine a punkier sounding Kosheen from the 70's and you'd be close. Finally the 'Team' came on. Sounding a bit heavier than the album and with more lead vocals, the whole show was backed up with some bizarre images and film clips projected over the stage. We also had a bit of a shock at the end of the first song when half the band started swapping instruments with each other, something that continued through the set. Fantastic bit of showing off!

A couple of weeks time we'll be travelling over to the Cambridge Junction to catch The Divine Comedy and then in June it's off to Portman Road for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I've got nothing else booked for now, missed out on tickets for The Subways and The Kooks but Max will be seeing Robbie for a second time at Milton Keynes in September. Any suggestions for new bands that we should be seeing/keeping an eye out for welcomed.

Slowly does it...

2006-04-28T15:22:00.000Z

The 'Cat is in forth gear yet the speedo reads just over 20mph. Visor up, left hand resting on knee, I'm trying something new today.

I'm going slow.

And I mean really slow. Some of the lanes i've already ridden have been an real exercise in clutch control, hardly wide enough to let two ramblers pass yet here I am on my 162mph rice burner having a bloody good time.

The world seems a different place. I've got more time to take in my surroundings, the smells, the wildlife (I just saw some deer a minute ago). I'm going places i've never been before. Previously undiscovered hamlets are stumbled upon, entire landscapes are opening up in front of me and it's all just a few miles from my home. I've travelled halfway across the world but I still don't know my own doorstep because i'm too busy going through it to give it a second glance.

A few years ago Steve Rose wrote an article in RiDE magazine extolling the virtues of the snails pace. Fully kitted out in classic bike kit, complete with pisspot lid he spent the day pottering round back lanes and through picturesque villages at 20-30mph on a Honda Blackbird before declaring the whole experience as one of the best rides he has ever had.

And I have to agree with him. I'm not saying we should all travel everywhere at a crawl from now on - we'd all remain cage dwellers if we wanted to do that. But if you fancy a change of pace every now and again then you could do a lot worse than literally changing your pace.

Friday Local Humour Corner #1

2006-04-28T12:07:00.000Z

A bear, a lion and a chicken are chatting.

The bear bragged "When I growl, the whole forest shakes!"

Not to be outdone the lion boasts "Well, when I roar the whole of the desert and jungle shakes!"

The chicken considered this and laughed. "Ha! That's nothing. I just have to cough the whole of East Anglia shits itself!!!".

She's a Biker Chick!

2006-04-25T13:04:00.000Z

Sunday morning saw me, Darklord and Matt from MotoRider gather at his unit with our other halves for a day of fun, frolics and CBT's and I'm proud to say that, despite a nervous start (and a minor off), Max did really well and she now has a CBT certificate of her own.

The off was completely typical of someone who has never ridden a geared bike before. Right at the start of the carpark session Max scared herself coming round the cones too fast and went for the back brake. Unfortunately, being an occasional cyclist what she actually yanked on was the clutch which doesn't really stop you from hurtling into a wall. Anyway, she picked herself up and got straight back on, there were a few nerves for a while after that but by the time we got out on the road for the afternoon she was fine.

Taking my biased husband head off for a minute the road session went brilliantly. I had hardly anything to pick up on. Observations were spot-on from the start, road positioning only required a couple of reminders in the first ten minutes and junctions were line-perfect nearly every time. Compared to most people i've taken out (seasoned drivers included) Max's road sense made a refreshing change.

If Max wants to continue onto her full licence there are a couple of points that need working on. Slow speed clutch control and smoother gear changes are mostly getting used to the bike though and the relaxing of the shoulders will happen naturally as she gets more confident. We're going to borrow a 125cc from Matt some evenings and go out for more rides and hopefully, a full test could follow!

And Max, as you'll probably be reading this I want to say that you DID do brilliantly, i'm not just saying it. And I wish I had pupils as attentive and keen to try as you every week. xxx

Questions I'd like to ask Mockney if he had a sense of humour #1

2006-04-24T09:46:00.000Z

As you seem incapable of calling that thing that links ground floor to first floor anything other than 'the Apples & Pears', do you ask your greengrocer for ' arf a paand of their finest Braeburn Steps and a couple of nice ripe Anjou Stairs'?

The 'C' in CBT stands for Compulsory

2006-04-20T15:09:00.000Z

This weeks MCN has an interesting little sub-article (partnering a re-hashed story about why motorists pull out on us) headed 'Bikers make safer drivers'. Academics and insurance companies have now confirmed what us Catagory A licence holders already knew; we're more observant, have better hazard perception & reactions and are less likely to have accidents than your average cage dweller when we take the tin can for a spin.

The EU's (fairly predictable) response to this has been to make it harder than ever to actually get a motorcycle licence. Well done lads!

But hang on a mo, here's a bit of a thought from way over in left-field. Instead of trying to rid the roads of motorised two-wheelers, why not make everyone learn to ride instead. I know there is no political gain in forcing people do something that is widely acknowledged will turn them into better drivers but what the hell, i'm willing to give it a try. I don't mind spending my weekends shepherding boy racers, company reps and soccer moms around on 50cc 'peds, watching them get scared shitless at roundabouts and every time someone pulls out in front of them if it means some of them start thinking about how fucking useless most people are at driving.

I'm sure there will be non-biking Daily Mail readers looking at this who will be horrified to hear that the leather clad scum overtaking their Freelandcruiser X5trail despite valiant efforts to block all attempts at passing is actually a better driver than them. So if I could just ask these people to turn off their dashboard mounted DVD's and put down their mobile phones for a second i'll explain why I think this is the case.

When I have to share the road with someone like you, someone who has the arrogance to assume that bigger does mean better, that hands-free kits are for everyone else, that courtesy and respect is what you deserve and we can whistle for then I very quickly learn to be better than you. I start paying attention to other road-users, it gets to be a habit to give others space , I get good at spotting idiots behind the wheel & those who consider mirrors and indicators to be optional and I then carry these habits over to my driving.

Making the CBT truly compulsory won't change drivers attitudes overnight but anyone new to the road will at least have personal experience to call upon before they think about pulling out of that junction without looking properly first.

Still here!!

2006-04-18T10:15:00.000Z

I haven't disappeared, honest. Work's been busy last couple of weeks and my evenings have been spent 'Diarmuiding' the garden. I have got a head full of posts to come over the next few days and here's a sneak preview:

1) Why CBT's should be compulsory for everyone.
2) Take it easy - The joy of riding slowly.
3) Wife on a bike! - Max's first steps on the road to cool-biker-chickdom.
4) Gigs we're going to over the next couple of months.
5) The further adventures of The Mockney.*

Any pre-emptive comments on any of the above will be most welcome.

^{*Things have been quiet but it's going to kick off again soon. I can feel it in the air.}

I wish I had my camera on me #1

2006-04-05T12:48:00.000Z

Headline on EDP advert board this morning;

"NORFOLK'S HUGE JOBS BLOW"

Now that's just a freudian slip waiting to happen.

Man held as terrorism suspect over punk song

2006-04-05T11:49:00.000Z

LONDON (Reuters) - British anti-terrorism detectives escorted a man from a plane after a taxi driver had earlier become suspicious when he started singing along to a track by punk band The Clash, police said on Wednesday.

Detectives halted the London-bound flight at Durham Tees Valley Airport and Harraj Mann, 24, was taken off.

The taxi driver had become worried on the way to the airport because Mann had been singing along to The Clash's 1979 anthem "London Calling," which features the lyrics "Now war is declared -- and battle come down" while other lines warn of a "meltdown expected".

Mann told newspapers the taxi had been fitted with a music system which allowed him to plug in his MP3 player and he had been playing The Clash, Procol Harum, Led Zeppelin and the Beatles to the driver.

"He didn't like Led Zeppelin or The Clash but I don't think there was any need to tell the police," Mann told the Daily Mirror.

A Durham police spokeswoman said Mann had been released after questioning -- but had missed his flight.

"The report was made with the best of intentions and we wouldn't want to discourage people from contacting us with genuine concerns," she said.

Hmmm, this of course doesn't mean that we are turning into a country of idiotic, paranoid, shallow, can't think for ourselves morons who believe everything they read in The Sun and The Mail, does it? It's obviously a one-off incident and has never happened before.

Huh, tell me something I don't know!

2006-03-29T12:05:00.000Z

I am 20% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

On the road with the 'looneys'

2006-03-27T15:00:00.000Z

Sunday saw me taking my first CBT session unsupervised and it went mighty fine thank you very much. When I heard my first official ~~victims~~ pupils were going to be 16 year-old twins my life prematurely flashed in front of my eyes (at least I assume it was mine, there were a few bits I didn't recognise) but I needn't have worried. The two lads could already ride so all I had to do was get them familiar with the schools Honda Skys and then try and drum into their pubescent heads a bit of road sense.

This of course meant finding space amongst thoughts of all the girls they'd like to fumble with, every swearword on every 'Fiddy' track and encyclopaedic knowledge of all the different Lynx fragrances but I think I did as well as can be expected. The morning car park session was despatched relatively painlessly, the lunchtime talk left them satisfactorily glassy eyed and so we hit the road.

It didn't take long for their cockiness to deflate (about twenty seconds actually) and for the first hour I had to shepherd two nervous children joining the grown-up world of motorised transport for the first time. Things didn't go well to start with, shoulder checks and life-savers went out the window, road positioning at junctions was treated as optional and they both seemed to have problems understanding the words, 'Get away from that sodding kerb'. In the end we spent over an hour riding round and round a quiet estate until I was happy to take them through the town centre. After that things did get better. The afternoon ran out with us playing on Derehams only roundabout for twenty minutes, not normally on the curiculum but they will both be going on it every day so the first time might as well have supervised. Besides, it's the best place to drum into them that car drivers do not use their indicators. Ever.

Next session, this Saturday. Bring it on!

Monday Philosophy Corner #1

2006-03-27T13:01:00.000Z

2006-03-24T12:16:00.000Z

7 days later.

2006-03-21T16:28:00.000Z

Some thoughts from the first week back on the road.

1) I'm a bit nervous about corners. Understandable really I suppose but I hope I get into it again before the chicken strips start to appear.

2) There is a lot of crap on the roads round our way at the moment. Mud, loose chippings, rubbish. What the hell is going on?

3) The traffic has gotten heavier in the 10 months since the crash, yet there seems to be more people pulling in to let me past, either when overtaking or filtering.

4) The differences between a 70,000 mile engine and a 7,000 mile engine are incredible. The bike is so responsive now. And economical. The first tank (16 litres) took me 200 miles. Not bad at all from a screaming supersport 600.

5) I'm not going to tell you what my 70 to 120mph roll-on time is because I obviously don't know. Ahem.

6) My new Shoei, though a lot more plush and better made than my old FM Force 10 is bloody noisy. Earplugs are a must now.

7) Foggy masks are condensation magnets compared to the Pinlock Anti-fog insert. The man who invented this is my god.

8) March never used to be this cold.

9) There aren't many other bikes on the road at the moment. Come on people, where the hell have you all gone? You on the ZX7R, get out of your box. R100 geezer, you haven't made an utter fool out of me with your incredible bike control. You must be a copper but how am I going to find out if you're not riding?

10) I need to take all the suspension settings back to standard and start again. New shock and heavier fork oil has got the bike steering a little slowly. Now things are settling there are a few other bit & pieces need fettling like play in the throttle, a stiff clutch lever and both foot pegs need repositioning.

11) Why does anyone drive?

Roots

2006-03-17T09:41:00.000Z

Happy Paddy's Day Grandad. Let's hope tomorrow sees us lifting the Six Nations & the Triple Crown. Could be a long weekend in Dublin.

Band of Step Brothers

2006-03-16T14:11:00.000Z

You know how these things go. Your sister mentions that your youngest step-brother 'had summink to do wiv ver music on vat 3 advert wiv ver big jellyfish and vose 2 old jap geezers' and one google search later you discover he's no longer cleaning windows in the 'Smoke' but has in fact changed his name to 'Bnaan', set up a record label and has just released a well received debut album with his band, 'Infadels'.

Decribed by AngloPlugging thus:
"With influences including punk, funk, dance, ska, electro, hip hop and blues it's no surprise that The Infadels' music is so difficult to pigeonhole. Unlike most of their contemporaries The Infadels' sound is not retro. With sophisticated but catchy song writing, the friction of live instrumentation with electronica and raw production techniques The Infadels transcend a live energy and immediacy. Their music captures the pounding excitement of dance along with the arrangement of rock and angst of punk while carrying a familiarity of the band's influences."
Sounds about right.

'We Are Not The Infadels' is available from all proper record shops and most online stores and It really is rather good. For those of you who are not sure which advert i'm referring to listen to Track 9; Give Yourself To Me. You might recognise the opening bars.

Not bad at all for a bald shortarse.

Don't they think we have too much TV already?

2006-03-15T15:31:00.000Z

El Reg has some news guaranteed to have even the most impotent geek rubbing their hairy palms and salivating in antici-pation.

Plans are well underway for a Star Wars TV Series!!!!!!

Template help required

2006-03-14T16:43:00.000Z

The more observant among you may have noticed there has been a minor design change to the site to celebrate my new helmet. One problem though and I'm hoping you can help. Scroll down to the images in the side bar bottom left and you'll notice a white border around them. I have set border ="0" in the template yet it is still there. Anyone?

Heaven is.....

2006-03-13T12:21:00.000Z

I Commute. No, wait. It's more than that. A sunny morning, the roads are quiet, the surface dry and ice-free. What traffic I do meet is quickly dispatched with the tiniest twist of the right wrist, new engine unleashing the big cat's roar as I pass. Why did I forget how good this sweeping A-Road into Norwich can be when you're not confined to a little tin box? How beautiful is the countryside, Norfolks beating heart, when your view is not obscured by metal pillars, crumple zones and stress? Through villages, throttle down, exhaust purring now. The contented rumble of freedom. Last chance to stretch the legs before civilisation. Lorry ahead, looking through the corner and out the other side, it's clear. Away I go, effortless power, easy and safe.

Into the outer suburbs and queues are starting to form. Filter straight past, no need to pause. Why sit with the sheep, looking up the exhaust of the Tesco lorry in front? Junctions left, right, all have cars waiting. No-one will let them out, staring straight ahead to avoid eye contact and obligation. Thank god I'm out of these petty, primitive games.

Everything at a standstill except me, feet still on pegs, ten miles and counting. Slow riding, clutch, rear brake, watching, judging the gaps. Traffic lights green, no need to stop and i'm on the final stretch. Someone pulls over, gives me room, left hand raised as I pass, thanks mate. More lights, red now. Cut to the front? Not this time. Feeling too good, no need to rush. Just take in this gorgeous March morning, the gods are smiling today.

Last turn and into car park. Gap next to door, I'll always have a space. Engine off, sidestand down and sit. Just a moment. Eyes closed, replaying the first proper ride in nine months. Engine cools. Tick, tick, tick, the heat slowly soaking into the atmosphere. The beast sated for now, sleeping, ready to re-awaken at the end of the day.

Check the time. Almost ten minutes quicker than last week and four wheels. No stress, no racing heartbeat, no feeling of frustration that needs release. Just relaxed and ready for the day ahead.

Aaaaaahhh, i've missed this.

The Hoff Vs Chuck *

2006-03-10T10:15:00.000Z

When David Hasselhoff donates blood he declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you're just seconds away from death.

Crop circles are The Hoff's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is he always says "Two seconds 'til." After you ask "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light - except pink.

Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When David Hasselhoff does a push up he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.

There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day God rested.... and The Hoff took over.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

David Hasselhoff once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.... and won.

In an average living room there are 1242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The Hoff uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate but that is a lie created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

David Hasselhoff doesn't believe in God.... God believes in The Hoff.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

^{*Like Alien vs Predator but twice as dangerous to the rest of the world}

Wine me, dine me, 419 me.

2006-03-09T14:24:00.000Z

The Register reports on the latest 419er email doing the rounds. I just had to post it.

I am Tony Fred Williams I am 14 years old I live in Manchester(UK) before my father die, now I live with my mother in Scotland. my father is from Manchester (UK) and my mother is from Scotland. my late father Mr. Fred Williams was a Contractor in Manchester(UK) before he die in a car accident last years July 25th 2005. he left £50Million (Fifty Million Pounds) in his account before he die. The £50Million is in (First Union National Bank UK) I have been trying to collect the money from (First Union National Bank UK) but the MD CEO told me to go and look for some body that is honest and old enough to help me collect the money.

I could have tell my mother to assist me to collect the £50Million for me but my mother and father got devoured before my father die and my father told me to not have anything to do with my mother I don’t even want her to know because what my father told me before he die was true, now that I stay with my mother in Scotland she don’t even have time for me all she do is to take hard drugs and to bring men to the house and she also hit me all the time.

I don’t want to have anything to do with her, I just want some body that is old enough and honest to help me collect the £50Million from the bank as I am too young to take care of £50Million. Please I need your help if you can assist me to collect the £50Million from the bank I will give you 40% and take 60%. I have all documentation on my name you can confirm from the bank. i am the indeed benefited Next of Kin to my late father Mr. Fred Williams. The MD CEO (First Union National Bank UK) told me to look for some body that is honest and old enough so that he can send the £50Million to the person account immediately.

If you can help me i will contact the MD CEO (First Union National Bank UK) and tell him that i have found a honest person who want to help me collect the £50Million. so when you contact him he will know i sent you.

I will give you is contact so that you can contact him to enable him send the £50Million to your provided account immediately Please help me. I will be waiting for your urgent reply so i can give you the contact of the bank and send you the last statement of account of my late father and i will also send you my picture and my birth certificate. Please Help me reply back on my private email: tonyfw2@mail.md so i can send you all information you need.

Best Regards Tony Fred Williams

Gawd blessit.

2006-03-08T16:26:00.000Z

MCN, you've got to love it. The mainstay of motorcycle journalism for the last 50 years does so much to further the cause of the biking community.

Or something.

I get it most weeks because it does have good sport coverage and the new bikes stuff is interesting but it really needs to sort out it's investigative reporting department. The guys writing the 'hard-hitting exposes' on anything that potentially affects its readership are starting to sound like the paranoid offspring of a Sun reporter and a Daily Mail editor.

It's current anti speed camera campaign has good intentions. The premise is that the majority of camera types in this country have never been tested for accuracy on bikes, a problem highlighted by several wrongful prosecutions that got thrown out of court. If the story is true (and evidence seems to suggest MCN are on to something) then it is a scandal that needs to be blown wide open. Unfortunately, a sensationalist journalist with a persecution complex isn't perhaps the best person to be spreading the word.

The irony of the situation is ably demonstrated in todays front page. On the left; 'YES SPEED CAMERAS DO LIE - THE PROOF' and on the right; '200mph! World first test of Kawasaki's mind-blowing ZZR1400'.

Hmmm.

I read the news today (oh boy).

2006-03-07T10:56:00.000Z

Three news items that dropped into my RSS feed this morning.

1) The Guardian reports on the latest use for Roadside Cameras. They are now going to be watching you to make sure you are wearing your seat belt and not using your mobile phone. In a way this is good, at least it seems to signal a minor move away from the hysteria surrounding the idea that speed is THE reason people are being killed on the roads left, right and centre.

On the other hand this is very bad. There is something inherently violating about being caught doing wrong on a camera. If you're chatting on the phone whilst the BMW you're supposed to be in control of mounts a kerb in front of a Rozzer then most people will hold their hand up and take it on the chin. Get caught by camera though and a sense of guilt is the one emotion most people WON'T feel. Indignation slipping towards paranoia at being caught by some sneaky little spy, the phrases 'Big Brother' & '1984' inevitably being trotted out whislt moaning how hard done by you are. Sadly, cameras may catch a lot more people speeding, texting, driving uninsured etc than your average beardie traffic cop but they do it in such an inpersonal fashion that people do not respond to being caught in a way that will ensure they don't do wrong again. We are alleged to be the most watched citizenry in the western world and it is eroding our respect for law.

This won't change any time soon though because of the money, lots of it. And all flowing towards the people that set this situation up in the first place.

2) The right to be a parent vs the right to NOT be a parent. Touchy subject this and for various reasons one that is kinda relevent in my life at the mo'. I feel sorry for the woman, I really do but there are at least two other lives (potentially more) to take into consideration here: The ex' and any offspring that may have been produced had she got the go-ahead. Should her right to a family life as enshrined in the European Convention of Human Rights outweigh the mans right to not be a father with a woman he no longer has a relationship with? And does she have any right to bring into the world a baby who isn't wanted or won't be accepted by the other parent just to satisfy her biological urge to give birth?

I don't feel this compulsion to reproduce and I find it difficult to understand why someone would take things so far to have a baby, especially when there are so many unwanted children in the world. Even in Norfolk there are more children waiting for a loving home than there are people willing to take them on. Why not give one of them a chance? I do not accept the argument that you would love a child that is biologically yours more than one you've fostered or adopted. If you can't love and nuture ANY child that needs it then maybe you shouldn't be a parent.

3) And on a lighter note (thank god for that) Beer Fights Heart Disease! Knackers your liver though.

Friday Fuckwit #8

2006-03-03T15:36:00.000Z

SALESMEN!!

When he get back from the show on Monday I am going to take this big, fat file on my desk and shove it sideways up his arse.
It's just a reminder that when he promises a customer something we can't deliver, when he says something is possible when it's not and when he gives a totally unrealistic lead-in time I am not going to be the one who has to deal with the unpleasant phonecall from a very irate woman on a Friday afternoon any more.

No, what I am going to do next time he pulls that stunt is drop him in a very large pile of amoebic dysentry ridden faeces from a great height. Let's see that smug, shit-eating grin of his masticate it's way out of that.

????

2006-03-02T10:06:00.000Z

smidsy --

[adjective]:

Like in nature to a banana peel

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I have no idea what it means either. Blame The Aardvark for the link.

A perfect day

2006-03-01T13:27:00.000Z

Hot on the heals of the current TV ad for the road safety campaign Think!, showing a CB500 rider T-boning a myopic driver in disturbingly graphic detail comes this. Never seen it before, have you? Well you should have done as, according to Think! , this advert was released in 2004!

From a biker point of view the older ad gets me thinking a lot more about my riding than the latest one. Not really suprising as the new one is obviously targeted at car drivers, but why wasn't 'A perfect day' given more coverage? It's full of biker in-jokes & scenarios immediatley recognisable to anyone who rides and gets its point across very well without resorting to shock tactics and scaring potential riders away.

The future of Bike safety is in getting more people to think(!) about bikes, to understand why we ride and potentially to get them thinking about riding as well. It is constantly said in the Motorcycle press that riders make more considerate drivers. I don't know if it's true or not but it sounds like common sense. Someone sitting in a car who understands or has experienced what it is to ride is going to be paying more attention to any bikes on the road aren't they?

WooHoo

2006-02-28T11:00:00.000Z

That's my bike that is. She's been ridden now and feels better than ever. Just need an MOT which will probably have to wait until the snow has gone, and the jobs a goodun.

WSB Round 1 - Qatar

2006-02-27T13:55:00.000Z

Race one result
1 James Toseland (GB) Honda 36mins 31.339secs
2 Troy Bayliss (Aus) Ducati 36:31.427
3 Andrew Pitt (Aus) Yamaha 36:33.729
4 Troy Corser (Aus) Suzuki 36:33.938
5 Michel Fabrizio (It) Honda 36:38.338
6 Alex Barros (Brz) Honda 36:46.056
7 Roberto Rolfo (It) Ducati 36:46.563
8 Pierfancesco Chili (It) Honda 36:52.522
9 Marco Borciani (It) Ducati 36:53.789
10 Max Neukirchner (Ger) Ducati 36:55.271

Race two result
1 Troy Corser (Aus) Suzuki 36:20.395
2 Troy Bayliss (Aus) Ducati 36:21.420
3 Noriyuki Haga (Jpn) Yamaha 36:23.857
4 James Toseland (GB) Honda 36:23.858
5 Andrew Pitt (Aus) Yamaha 36:24.745
6 Lorenzo Lanzi (It) Ducati 36:40.005
7 Alex Barros (Brz) Honda 36:40.943
8 Michel Fabrizio (It) Honda 36:41.578
9 Karl Muggeridge (Aus) Yamaha 36:43.593
10 Ruben Xaus (Sp) Ducati 36:46.928

Riders' Championship
1 Troy Bayliss (Aus) 40pts
2 Troy Corser (Aus) 38
= James Toseland (GB) 38
4 Andrew Pitt (Aus) 27
5 Michel Fabrizio (It) 19
= Alex Barros (Brz) 19

Didn't see the racing unfortunately but there's some interesting results there. Toseland taking a win (albeit gifted) and a fourth is encouraging. Add this to Yamaha's apparent competitiveness and this year could be as wide open as it's been in a while.

Friday Fuckwits #7

2006-02-24T11:04:00.000Z

Alex Muffet at Dropsafe has a frankly astonishing news article from CNN here.

Bikers roll to military funerals to oppose anti-gay protests

....Phelps believes American deaths in Iraq are divine punishment for a country that he says harbors homosexuals. His protesters carry signs thanking God for so-called IEDs -- explosives that are a major killer of soldiers in Iraq.

God bless America, the land of the free to spout this kind of hatred in the name of religion:

Shirley Phelps-Roper, a daughter of Fred Phelps and an attorney for the Topeka, Kansas-based church, said neither state laws nor the Patriot Guard can silence their message that God killed the soldiers because they fought for a country that embraces homosexuals.

"The scriptures are crystal clear that when God sets out to punish a nation, it is with the sword. An IED is just a broken-up sword," Phelps-Roper said. "Since that is his weapon of choice, our forum of choice has got to be a dead soldier's funeral."

Standing up to the morons is 'The Patriot Guard Riders', a 5000 strong group of Motorcyclists who; "shield the families of dead soldiers from the protesters, and overshadow the jeers with patriotic chants and a sea of red, white and blue flags.

If you need any more proof that Islam isn't the only religion with a lunatic fringe here are some pictures of one of the protests. The eagle-eyed among you will spot the young boy in the first picture, second-from-left holding a banner that reads "Your Pastor is a Whore"(?)

I really can't say any more about these people as I fear for the safety of my keyboard. This is the worst kind of bigotry imaginable. It is so filled with fear, hate and violence yet justifies itself by calling it 'Christian'.

I am fuming so i'll leave the last word to Richard Wilbur, a retired police detective; "No one deserves this."

Tip of the Day #8

2006-02-23T09:54:00.000Z

Before you spend 45 minutes removing the fuel tank, dismantling the airbox and then fiddling with every electrical connection on the bike to find out why it doesn't start, why not check the cut-out switch on the handlebar first.

Doh!

'Cat update #3

2006-02-22T10:40:00.000Z

The forks are now back on - thank god. Saturday very nearly saw them being bent into some balloon animal shapes before being hurled forcibly through the nearest wall as a slipping damping rod nut started to turn me green. It turns out that Haynes manuals are incredibly comprehensive, hugely detailed, crammed full of useful photographs and diagrams and are written by someone who hasn't got a fucking clue!

Luckily, mid-Norfolks most insufferable know-it-all turned up at the unit and (surprisingly) actually genuinely knew something for once. In this case, how to stop a damping rod nut from slipping long enough to remove it. He still managed to drive me and everyone else in the unit to near suicide (another candidate for this perhaps?) with his constant bullshit but it was worth it in the end. I suppose I owe him a reluctant 'Thanks Mate!'

Monday night saw the front wheel and brakes reattached, the broken nose cone glued up and the majority of the bodywork back on. Had a bit of fun reconnecting the throttle cable and, as the bike didn't fire up when the battery went in, it looks like i've accidently pulled a plug out somewhere. Bugger, that means tank and airbox off again. Not a big job but a pain all the same. Still hoping to ride it over the weekend ready for an MOT next week followed by tax and first ~~high speed thrash~~ gentle cruise of 2006.

--

This Mad TV post last week inspired this short story by his dad. If you ride you'll get it, if you don't please try!

British Superbike Dates 2006

2006-02-17T14:42:00.000Z

Round 1 Mar 26 BRANDS HATCH (INDY)
Round 2 Apr 09 DONINGTON PARK
Round 3 Apr 17 THRUXTON
Round 4 May 01 OULTON PARK
Round 5 May 21 MONDELLO PARK
Round 6 Jun 04 MALLORY PARK
Round 7 Jun 18 SNETTERTON
Round 8 Jul 16 KNOCKHILL
Round 9 Jul 23 OULTON PARK
Round 10 Aug 13 CROFT
Round 11 Aug 28 CADWELL
Round 12 Sep 17 SILVERSTONE
Round 13 Oct 01 BRANDS HATCH (GP)

Brands to finish the year off again then. See you there!

'Cat Update - the new camera phone edition

2006-02-14T12:22:00.000Z

Latest on the 'Cat front. Yesterday I spent the day stripping down the rear end to replace the shock absorber using the MotoLadder (patent pending) to make life a bit easier.

I initially thought the problem with the rear end was a knackered shock but it appears that sitting around for the best part of a year has also taken its toll on the swingarm & suspension linkage.

The linkage was totally shot and had seized solid and, though the swingarm itself was usable, it was going to have to be replaced before next winter so I bit the bullet and shelled out for another one. Thanks to Julie at Bentley's Breakers ( 01362 692555) for the good deal.

What do you think of the MotoGP stylee exhaust?

I also managed to get the front end off ready for the dreaded fork seal change and that will hopefully be happening this weekend.

After that it's just a case of getting all the repaired or replacement plastics back on, the new clip-on fitted and the pussycat will be ready for her MOT.

I have had to revise the 'on-the-road' date a tad and now expect to be back up and running the beginning of March. Big thanks to Matt at Motorider for the loan of the workshop and the help. I will update your website soon mate, I promise!

Go on then, offend me.

2006-02-06T15:51:00.000Z

I'm announcing a new competition. I want to find something that makes people laugh yet will not upset or cause offence to anyone, anywhere, no matter their race, gender or faith. Not even, and I'm going to be totally strict on this point, not even if they still think Burberry is cool.

Events over the last few days have pointed to an obvious need for a completely inoffensive joke that is still able to raise a smile on even the most fundamental extremist's face. A joke that Peter Tatchell can't claim is a gay slur. A joke that everyone from American neo-conservatives to Al-Queda will be able to laugh at and not feel they have to invade or bomb anyone in retribution.

Do you have such a joke? Ask yourself, would Roy 'Chubby' Brown, Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson ever tell it? If the answer's no then I want to hear from you.

Send your one liner / shaggy dog story / danish newspaper cartoon / ITV sitcom script to:
Freepost The World Must Stop Laughing Now
Smidsy
The Blogosphere.

Judging will be by Trevor Phillips and the winner will be announced when Hell freezes over or I laugh at an episode of 'Keeping up Appearances'.

Calling all petrol-heads

2006-02-02T12:28:00.000Z

Thanks to Blue tealeaf for drawing my attention to this. Sounds like a great idea if it comes off.

Tip of the Day #7

2006-02-02T11:20:00.000Z

Fifty year old fat, balding, mockney wankers. When someone points out that you've done yet another drawing wrong, instead of correcting it why not just regress to childhood, throw all your toys out the pram and storm out the office.

More gratuitous traffic generating

2006-02-01T10:57:00.000Z

For various reasons I haven't been taking any pictures for several months now and my photoblog was gathering a very thick layer of dust. Now though, i'm in the zone again and Darkplanet is back up and running*.

If you haven't ever visited my gallery and journal then you don't know what you're missing. Check it out here and marvel at the images of a man who was once described as 'an incredible photographic talent'**.

^{*alright, maybe not running but it is out for a brisk walk and may break into a jog anytime soon
**by me this morning}

Meme #4

2006-01-30T13:58:00.000Z

Shamelessly lifted from Blue Tealeaf.

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Hire car delivery driver.
2. Bakery assistant.
3. Technical illustrator.
4. Paper boy.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Blade.
2. LOTR.
3. Crouching Tiger.
4. North By Northwest.

Four places I have lived:
1. West Earlham.
2. Costessey.
3. East Tuddenham.
4. Swanton Morley.

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica.
2. Lost.
3. Mythbusters.
4. MotoGP on Eurosport.

Four places I have been on holiday:
1. Greece.
2. Switzerland.
3. The Maldives.
4. Cromer.

Four of my favourite dishes:
1. Spag Bog.
2. Shepherds Pie.
3. Prawn & Chicken Chowder
4. Ice Cream.

Four websites I visit daily:
1. BBC News.
2. Guardian Unlimited.
3. Norwich & District Photographic Society forum.
4. Ebay.

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. The Maldives.
2. Australia
3. Japan
4. Home.

Geek Philosophy

2006-01-26T16:12:00.000Z

There are 10 types of people on this planet, those that get binary and those that don't.

Pope Palpatine's Love-in

2006-01-25T15:22:00.000Z

So the Pope has given his views on what modern love means to all Catholics. Amongst other things it should mean charity and giving to those in need, particularly in the developing world.

I can see it now. Hello 3 year old starving AIDS victim. Take all the love I have but don't expect me to give your parents condoms.

BSB on TV for us to SEE

2006-01-24T14:07:00.000Z

BSB will be on terrestrial TV again this year. Should be happy about this but i'm not totally convinced. Turns out the broadcaster is ITV.

That's right. The channel that killed F1, screwed over non-premiership Football, buggered up terrestrial digital TV and, as an aside, gave us that fucking awful Shane Ward song, is going to be responsible for beaming the best domestic racing series in the world into our homes. They had better not screw this one up!

For those of you with Sky Sports, you can always catch up with things the evening after the race.

But just to prove i'm not completely down on this it does mean there's going to be less of that twat, Steve 'when I used to race' Parrish on TV.

Thanks to Darklord for the links.

An urgent message from the DEC

2006-01-23T11:23:00.000Z

A major hurricane, christened SHAZZA,hit the south-east of England in the early hours of this morning. The epicentre was Basildon in Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "faackin 'ell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing over £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many locals were woken before their giro arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into the bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning".

Rescue workers have also found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret. "Where are you bleeding from" ? they asked. "ROMFORD" said the girl "woss that gotta fackin' do wiv it" ?

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help grief-stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught in the disaster. Clothing is most soughtafter. These include:

- Fila or Burberry baseball caps

- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

- Shell suits (female)

- white sport socks

- Rockport boots

- Any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

- microwave meals

- tins of baked beans

- ice cream

- KFC

- Domino's Pizza

- cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew

Also any donations are accepted:

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation form.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

'Cat Watch

2006-01-16T11:43:00.000Z

Here is an update on the current state of the Thundercat.

Damage uncovered (so far):
Knackered lower fairing.
Broken wingmirror
Missing indicator
Snapped footpeg
Leaking fork seal
Cracked mudguard
Bent clip-on

Parts aquired:
Fairing panel
Footpeg
Fork Seals
Clip-on
Rear shock absorber (old one knackered but not in accident)

Work completed:
All damaged parts stripped from bike

Next job:
New fork seals

Anticipated 'Back On Road' date:
Mid February

Git orf me barra. The Life & Times of a Mockney #1

2006-01-13T11:50:00.000Z

I've noticed there are a number of blogs out there named after and dedicated to one persons' (usually uncomplimentary) daily dealings with a particular individual who really gets on their tits. For instance there is 'My neighbours are hoors', 'Things I hate about my flatmate' and 'My boyfriend is a twat' (though to be fair to Zoe, I think she loves him really).

With this in mind I have decided to rename my blog; 'Why do I have to sit next to that fat, balding Mockney Wanker? The trials & tribulations of working with a 'Geezer''.

I see the restyled blog evolving into a far-reaching & hard hitting look at the darker side of 50-year-old barra boys and their continuing fight to be 'accepted' by more cultured, informed and intelligent people (ie. everyone else) as one of Walfords own. So, without further ado, let us start this emotional roller coaster ride of a story at the beginning.

Rodney 'Great' Wheeler (name changed, nickname spot on) was born to the strains of a gramaphone recording of Bow Bells in a small shared broom cupboard, Southend-on-Sea in 1823. The son of a migrant circus dwarf and a lady 'of negotiable affection' young Rodders could truly claim to be a genuine blue-blood 'Mockney'. Raised on a diet of Watney's Red Barrel, jellied eels and 'Carry-on' movies, his childhood years were spent with other fake tykes down back alleys, smoking 'bines, playing 'Guess the Music Hall favourite' and practising rhyming slang.

In 1907, aged 12, Rodney left the local workhouse comprehensive and enrolled for apprenticeship in the School Of Life as a trainee bullshitter. It was a career that suited him to the ground and very soon he could speak complete bollocks for over an hour without uttering one single word of truth. He also showed great aptitude in ruining a good joke, displayed a stunning lack of a sense of humour and yet, in true mockney style, he still thought he was the funniest man to have ever walked the earth. One day, he used to say, people everywhere would realise that he was 'GREAT'. With confidence brimming he graduated as a 'supreme bullshitter' in 1948 and took his first steps into the big wide world of Londons east end.

Coming next week....
Rodney finds his Pearly Queen and they settle down & spawn their first chav.

Stay tuned!

Friday Funny Corner

2006-01-06T15:17:00.000Z

The Aardvark has passed on this blonde joke. You WILL laugh. Guaranteed.

Warning - This post may contain vowels.

2006-01-06T13:08:00.000Z

Having been sent this Times article from The Darklord I have decided to declare 2006 (drumroll please)...

...The year of the rejection of overly-complicated and marketing-led misinformation that has been implemented to draw demographically targeted consumers attention away from a products short-comings whilst advancing the idea that said product will improve every aspect of the lifestyle of aforementioned consumer & his/her immediate family, friends or pet by promising them a model physique and enabling them to spend more time rollerskating, playing beach volleyball, never sitting in traffic jams & eating healthy junk food that doesn't look like it's been slung together by an acne-ridden YTS trainee, whilst laughing in an exaggerated manner the whole time and also the cessation of any and all warnings and notices that even the terminally hard of thinking & all Americans would feel they need to say, "well DUH!!" to after reading.

Or 'NO MORE BULLSHIT' to give it a less marketing friendly title.

Anyone with me?

Have a Happy Christmas...

2005-12-23T09:17:00.000Z

and a safe New Year everybody.

And remember, don't drink & ride. You'll spill it! (I love the old ones)

What the paper's say.

2005-12-23T09:08:00.000Z

After my rant the other day about the newspapers treatment of the loss of Elaine Lordan's baby, I feel I need to congratulate the 'Sun's' coverage yesterday of the Dwight/Furnish wedding and it's headline 'Elton takes David up the Aisle'.

That's better. Tabloids at their best.

Fuck compassion, let's sell papers!

2005-12-20T13:14:00.000Z

If i'm ever in the unthinkable position of suffering the death of my one year old child I know the one thing that's going to help me come to terms with it is seeing

"SPARX'S BABY DIES"

in very large headlines across the front pages of every national birdcage liner the next day.

And whilst I'm attempting to gain 'closure' from reading these sensitive, sympathetic articles I can take solace in the fact that the deaths of my mother and my baby in the space of a few months were just 'setbacks'.

Utter SCUM.

Lost

2005-12-19T14:02:00.000Z

I could hardly be classed as a luddite. Technology is great for a) making it easier and quicker to do stuff and b) giving us loads of really cool toys that have no practical uses whatsoever but are a bloody good laugh. There is something that falls into neither of these catagories though but everyone seems to be falling over themselves to either sell them or buy them. These sad sheep then announce to the world that what they now own is the best thing since that longlife sliced bread that combines the taste of white with the goodness of wholemeal (or some bollocks).

I'm talking about Satellite navigation.

SatNav has got to be the biggest money-spinning con for several years now. I can almost accept that phones with built-in cameras, music players and decibel meters are not completely pointless but recent experiences have shown me that GPS is. For most people.

I will concede that for delivery drivers, sales reps, taxi drivers etc SatNav is a useful way of locating a particular premises without faffing around with a map. BUT (and this is a big BUT) only if the person utilising the technology has more braincells than your average bout of amoebic dysentry*. For the general public though I cannot see the point.

Unless of course, you're a sad Billy-no-mates Mockney Wanker who thinks it will make him popular. Mockney has just spent £450 (or a pony and a half in his language or something) on the latest kit to go in his Ford Focus with leopard-print steering wheel cover. The guy lives in Yarmouth and works in Norwich and has driven this same route most days for the last four years. He doesn't go anywhere else except for twice a year when he drives down to Essex to see his mum who has lived in the same house for 60 years. I've just described a man who always knows where he's going but he uses his SatNav every day!

Now picture this. It's the summer and a load of us are down to Devon for our annual getaway. We decide to go for a walk along a cliff path five miles from the campsite. Map out, quick glance and three cars know where they're going. Car Four is fitted with SmartNav and doesn't need to look at the map. Predictably Car Four pisses off into the distance and we resign ourselves to lots of low-tech ribbing when we finally reach the car park. Ten minutes later we pull up. Car Four isn't there! And he's not there for another ten minutes! Smart-my-arse-Nav had got him lost. Utterly priceless.

Now skip forward 6 months. It's cold and dark outside and i've just spent the last 20 minutes standing on my doorstep on the phone to the taxi company trying to talk their guy to our house. We finally pile into the cab an hour late to glance at his dashboard and be confronted with - guess?

*Sadly, one of our delivery guys doesn't fall into this category. He is at the NEC and needs to get back to Norwich. For those of you not familiar with the East of England (or the pigs arse) this is a route that doesn't even need a map. M6, A14, A11 and home. Amoeba boy knows different. He has SatNav and must use it because it's advertised on telly a lot and it's female voice gives him the horn. So he types in his destination, presses the button and away he goes. Via the M25. We still don't know what happened.

Gratuitous Traffic Generating Link Post

2005-12-16T10:17:00.000Z

I've got hooked on several comic strips over the last couple of weeks, partly through Comic Alert which sets up RSS feeds to Thunderbird.

This one is from Bizarro but also check out some of these:
Sinfest
Wapsi Square
Slowpoke
Big Fat Whale
Mikhaela

Re-tyred

2005-12-14T17:01:00.000Z

Latest news from MCN is that the Whinging Emperor can't get a ride after all. Turns out Bridgestone aren't too happy about the moaning one using their tyres and they won't let Kawasaki put out a ZX-RR on Michelins.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I'm sorry, just read the bit where Biaggi says, and I quote, "I still feel capable of winning races and beating my rivals, including Rossi."

Thanks Max, that's the first time you've made me smile since you almost went arse over tit pulling a wheelie on the finish line in Brno.

The Pluto Diet

2005-12-14T12:54:00.000Z

The Register has a frankly astonishing story running at the moment concerning a patent application by Disney. Application No. 20050252958 is for a "system and method for wireless transfer of data content to a portable device." Sounds harmless enough.

Wrong!

Anyone who was put off McDonalds for life after watching 'Supersize Me' should stop reading now. The bright idea is for fast food companies to sell wireless media players with kids meals in an effort to get them hooked on grease, fat, high salt intake and Mickey.

Here is Walt's dream; Obese, diabetic American child walks in McD's and orders a 'Happy Meal'. Child is now entitled to download a segment of a Disney production to player. To see the rest of said production child must continue to purchase 'Happy Meals' until all segments are downloaded and child (now blind from the diabetes) dies of liver failure. Or as they put it...

"It can be seen that the downloading of small sections or parts of content can be spread out over a long period of time, e.g., 5 days. Each time a different part of the content, such as a movie, is downloaded, until the entire movie is accumulated. Thus, as a promotional program with a venue, such as McDonald's restaurant, a video, video game, new character for a game, etc., can be sent to the portable media player through a wireless internet connection, such as Wi Fi, as an alternative to giving out toys with Happy Meals or some other promotion. The foregoing may be accomplished each time the player is within range of a Wi Fi or other wireless access point.

"The reward for eating at a restaurant, for example, could be the automatic downloading of a segment of a movie or the like, or a short animated clip or cartoon."

I'm sorry? 5 days is 'a long period of time'? Reward kids for shovelling unhealthy crap into their bodies by giving them something to do that involves sitting on their obese arses all day? As long as it pushes the Disney brand at the most easily influenced section of society (and the one that really holds the purse strings) then it's OK. Apparently.

I am not a Disney fan by any means. Their constant self-publicity, brand-pushing and band-wagon jumping is commercial excess and corporate greed at it's worse, but this just takes the piss.

Meme #3

2005-12-13T09:54:00.000Z

Plucked this one from the Liberal Elite. I hope i've managed to come across as genuine and not full of a load of contrived crap, my biggest fear when dealing with meme's.

1. My uncle once: knew the numbers and the machine in every lottery draw ever. Probably still does but I really try not to be in the same room as him.
2. Never in my life: have I seen a lesbian floor show.
3. When I was five: the queen had a silver jubilee and Elvis took one last crap.
4. High School is: something I could have done so much better at.
5. My parents are: mostly doing something else.
6. I once met: John Wilson. At the time I didn't know who he was but very quickly realised that WHAT he was is a drunken prick.
7. There's this girl I knew who: (allegedly) would go down on you for a pack of Marlboro Lights.
8. Once, at a bar: I was refused service because I didn't have ID. It was the first time that had ever happened to me. I was 26.
9. Last night: I did very little.
10. Next time I go to church: it will be someones wedding or funeral and i'll be standing at the back feeling like a hypocrite.
11. When I turn my head left, I see: how little work i've got this week.
12. When I turn my head right, I see: the one christmas card i've received so far.
13. How many days until my birthday?: 352.
14. If I was a character written by Shakespeare I'd be: an extra.
15. By this time next year: my bike will be on the road.
16. A better name for me would be: err thingy, you know who I mean. Don't you?
17. I have a hard time understanding: how anyone can think organised religion is a good thing.
18. If I ever go back to school I: will do what I want to do, not what everyone else tells me to do.
19. You know I like you if: there is a comfortable silence.
20. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: Max.
21. Take my advice: it's usually free.
22. My ideal breakfast is: Kedgeree.
23. If you visit my hometown: you'll see a high street that now looks like every other high street in the country. We are Borg.
24. Why won't someone: tell that mockney wanker sitting behind me to PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
25. If you spend the night at my house: you'll be sharing a sofa with a Jack Russell and a Ginger Tom.
26. I'd stop my wedding: if I thought she didn't want to go through with it.
27. The world could do without: Dubya
28. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: go out to dinner with Richard & Judy.
29. Paper clips are more useful than: Dubya
30. If I do anything well, it is: taking a good photograph.
31. And by the way: filtering is legal.

Friday Fuckwit #6

2005-12-09T14:47:00.000Z

Richard Madelely.

Do you really need me to give you a reason? For fucks sake people, haven't you ever watched Richard & Judy? The man is an utter cock.

*Alright, so no-one has really pissed me off this week and i've had to fall back on an old faithful. Let's face it though, the tosser deserves it.

It's Thursday humour corner

2005-12-08T10:08:00.000Z

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in and was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left in a thoughtful mood. When she got home she undressed,showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, he walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

BADOOMBOOM CHHHHHH
Thankyou very much, i'm here all week. Try the buffet.

WHY???!!!! #2

2005-12-07T14:08:00.000Z

The MP3 toilet seat

WHY???!!!! #1

2005-12-06T10:41:00.000Z

The Musical Sandwich!

What are they thinking?

2005-11-30T09:27:00.000Z

Rumour has it Kawasaki are considering whoring themselves to Camel for lots of money. The catch? They have to put the whinging Emperor, Max Biaggi on one of the mean greenies.

WTF is Harald Eckl thinking. Sure RJ Reynolds Tobacco is happy to splash out a lot of money and, as one of the smaller teams, Kawasaki could do with the cash. But is it worth having to put up with Biaggi's season-long whinging?

Most importantly though, they would have to field a yellow bike. Now everyone knows it's a scientifically proven fact that Kawasaki's look best in green. Just take the two bikes below. Both ZX10R's, both being raced in the '05 BSB Championships and both good looking bikes. On the left we have Hawk Kawasaki's effort and on the right the weapon of choice for Vivaldi Racing.

See? Green every time i'm afraid.

A Review

2005-11-28T10:11:00.000Z

The Prodigy at The National Indoor Arena, Birmingham on Friday 25th November 2005.

AWESOME!!!!

An Apology

2005-11-25T10:41:00.000Z

No Friday Fuckwit this week i'm afraid. I'm in too much of a good mood on account of me going to see The Prodigy this evening. WOOHOO!!!

They call me Nostrodamus

2005-11-22T11:43:00.000Z

Sorry mate. I didn't see you. I was too busy watching last nights Most Haunted.

You know i'm right!

LMAO

2005-11-18T17:10:00.000Z

Laugh? I'm still wringing my trousers out.

Utterly priceless from Rich, now known as the Dark Lord.

Friday Fuckwit #5

2005-11-18T16:20:00.000Z

This weeks Friday Fuckwit is a person close to my heart, geographically speaking. It's my next-door neighbour.

To my eternal shame the man has succeeded in turning me into the ideal subject for ITV's next hard-hitting documentary; 'When neighbours turn psychotic'. And all over something as petty as car-parking.

Here's some background. We live in the middle of a terrace of three 300 year old farm cottages that don't have front gardens. To our left are Jo & Rich (Hi guys!) and to our right is Tossface (my wife's pet name), his LTLP and brood. Only Jo & Rich (Hi guys!) have a driveway and, up until this year their one car was parked there. This meant our one car, Tossface's Audi and his LTLP's Citroen fitted neatly outside the houses.

This arrangement should have worked OK but for one problem. For reasons known only to him, Tossfaces car had to be parked outside his house at all times. And LTLP's car had to be as close as possible to his house at all times, ie: outside ours.

Fair enough.

To be honest, it was a real pleasure sitting in our front room on a sunday afternoon watching our weird neighbours playing 'Musical Cars' every time one of them went out. Their skill in parking spot reservation was quite breathtaking in it's execution. As the Audi pulled away the Citroen would move into it's slot. Then, as the Audi was coming back down the road the Citroen would slide back and let him in. Stunning organisation.

Then a few things happened that would spoil the status quo.

Firstly Jo & Rich (Hi guys!) got a second car which (quite rightly) they wanted to park outside their house. Secondly, my wife went part-time at work which meant she was getting home earlier and (naturally) parking her car outside our house. The final straw though was when Tossface bought a THIRD car to replace the citroen, but didn't get rid of the Citroen!

This now meant their weekend games got stupid. Instead of moving their cars when one of them went out, they were now moving cars when anyone else went out as well. You could jump into the car to run some bottles to the bottle bank at the village hall and come back literally two minutes later to find your space gone and LTLP running through their front door.

I was quite calm about this at first but then, a couple of weekends ago I came home with a full load of wood in the car and couldn't get anywhere near my front door as all three of their cars were parked up in a line. 'Fuck this!' thought I, 'i'm not putting up with it any more.' I pulled up next to Tossface and asked him (very politely I must add) to move one of his vehicles as I would like to park outside my house and unload. Oh, and by the way if they could not park there for the next few days as we have lots of heavy loads going in & out and various delivery drivers and carpet fitters who will need the space. OK? Fine says he and moves. A little later I go out to pick up Max from work and when we get back guess what? That's right, they had moved their fucking cars again.

Deep breath, keep calm, knock on door and just be polite. 'Yeah hi, er can you move please, we've got some loading to do this evening. Cheers (tosser).' Job done, Perhaps they'll take the hint.

What utter BOLLOCKS!!

Within five minutes of Max leaving for work the next morning old Tossface is outside moving one of their cars outside MY HOUSE. To cut what is already a very long post a bit shorter, I ended up outside going totally medieval monkeypoo on his fat, sweaty arse. How DARE he? Who the FUCK does he think he is? WHAT FUCKING GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS does he have over the rest of us mere mortals.

I swore (a lot). I used the 'C' word for the first time ever in someone elses earshot (twice). I threw all the scrap wood from the front room all over the road. I could be heard three miles away explaining to him that, at the end of the day, he was basically an 'IGNORANT FAT FUCK'. He threatened to hit me. I laughed. He dared me to hit him. At that point I just got very quiet and whispered to him that he really doesn't want to go there. He went pale and then went to get LTLP to see what i'd done with the wood. I went to get Jo & Rich's (Hi guys!) kids as 'we might as well make a party of it'. He hasn't parked outside my house (or anyone else's) since and I still feel that i've let myself down.

I've let a lazy, fat, obnoxious little prick get under my skin to the extent that a large portion of Swanton Morley's population heard first-hand my thoughts on the subject of neighbourly consideration. It doesn't really matter that everyone i've spoken to about it appears to be on my side. 'About bloody time' is the new mantra for our village it seems. I feel bad and I know why.

I am now no better than him. I've stooped to his level and it's slimy, dirty and full of bile. For this neighbour, you are my Friday Fuckwit.

The ultimate question answered?

2005-11-16T17:02:00.000Z

I know this has been a question that has kept you awake at night. You've not been able to concentrate at work because of it. Your social life is starting to suffer as the obsession starts to take hold, even your geekiest, baldest friend (the one with the life-size Seven-of-Nine in his bedroom) seems to be washing his hair a lot lately. You need to know...

....Who COULD beat Yoda in a fight?

The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation

2005-11-16T14:59:00.000Z

15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon

14. Grooming the Wookie

13. Making the Kessel Run

12. Polishing Vader's Helmet

11. Evacuating Tatooine

10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber

9. Releasing the Special Edition

8. Jumping to Delight Speed

7. Communicating with Red Leader One

6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo

5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit

4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base

3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick

2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation is (sound of drums rolling)....................

1. Test Firing the Death Star

Thankyou Mr Fisher. More exciting Star Wars related nonsense coming very soon. And it's gonna be good.

Tip of the Day #6

2005-11-14T16:45:00.000Z

Fifty year old fat, balding, wanna be 'cockney geezer' essex boys - you DON'T know everything, you're NOT even slightly funny and that furry leopard-skin steering wheel cover on your Ford Focus DOES NOT make you 'street'.

Oh, and if I hear you spout just one more bit of mockney rhyming slang I will personally take a whole barrel-load of apples & pears and shove them so far up your Khyber you'll be squirting fruit juice through your raspberries.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2005-11-14T16:08:00.000Z

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What an UTTERLY SHITE day.

Somebody kill me now!!!

Short memories.

2005-11-11T12:43:00.000Z

The people remembered on this monument left my village 90 years ago to defend this country and didn't come back. It's a shame that those in power keep forgetting what it was they died to protect.

A quick update

2005-11-09T13:07:00.000Z

A) No films developed in three months (don't ask)
2) Jewellery not sold yet (don't ask)
Thirdly) Bike still off road (really don't ask)
iv) I've killed my twat of a next door neighbour and buried him under his concrete car park of a back garden (Don't have to ask, rant coming up in the next few days).

On the plus side;
1) I'm training to be a CBT instructor which should pay for the bike to be sorted.
B) We have a beautifully decorated front room with new sofa and no hole in the ceiling (long story, don't ask), and the kitchen light switches are no longer a serious threat to anyone equiped with a pacemaker (ditto).
iii) I'm going to see The Prodigy at the end of this month (I am literally wetting myself in anticipation)

Anyway enough about me, lets talk about you. Have you missed me?

With a creak the door slowly opens...........

2005-11-09T12:19:00.000Z

....... and a shaft of light penetrates the gloom of the old, abandoned garage. Motes of dust, disturbed by the breeze, dance in the pale light of a new dawn before erupting in a billowing cloud when a dark, shadowy figure slips through the gap. The stranger flits stealthily across the room to an ancient computer terminal at the far wall.

A hum fills the air as the cooling fan starts up for the first time in centuries and the antiquated CRT screen flickers into life. Hardly daring to breathe, the intruder reaches for the keypad and slowly, shakily begins to type.....

YEAH BABY, I'M BACK!!!!!!!!

Closing the garage door.

2005-07-04T07:56:00.000Z

Work has been incredibly busy these last few weeks and it doesn't look like it's slowing down. Add to this my evenings spent trying to get my photography business up and running and my wife's jewellery shop off the ground it's no real wonder I haven't been around much lately. And now I also have a bike to rebuild.

So it is with a heavy heart that i've decided to close the garage door on SMIDSY for a while. I will still be popping in every now and again to see how everyone is getting on but the posts will have to wait until I have a bit more spare time. I would like to thank everyone who has commented or just enjoyed visiting over the last few months and I will be back. In the meantime my photoblog will still be updated regularly so feel free to visit me at www.darkplanet.co.uk/journal.

Thank you all once again for making my time here most enjoyable.

I guess I spoke too soon....

2005-06-28T13:09:00.000Z

.... not that the bike has broken down or anything. It still runs fine and I did manage to get it home again so I think mechanically it's OK.

'Cause it will need a new fairing and a wingmirror. Oh, and the footpeg is a bit bent and that put a dent in the exhaust. And my boot is now missing a toe slider but it's still wearable. Obviously my foot is bruised as well as my chest and my shoulder but luckily the jacket took the brunt of it without sustaining any real damage so I won't need to get a new one. All in all it could have been a lot worse.

Oh, haven't I mentioned? Went into the side of a van whilst going to work yesterday morning. Don't really know what happened. Swerved to avoid some crap on the road as I came round a corner and met a Mercedes Vito coming the other way doing the same thing. I did stay on but my journey was over. The guy in the van was a nice bloke which was a bit of luck. "..these things happen..", "..nothing you could have done.." which made things easier. Now though it's in the hands of the gods, or worse, the insurance company. I suspect i'll be paying to sort out my own damage as i'm only TPFT and at the most it's going to be a no-faulter. So if anyone knows of an offside fairing lower, preferably in the '98 Red/Black colour scheme then please let me know.

Filler

2005-06-24T10:02:00.000Z

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES

1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
10.Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments

And in the interest of impartiality.

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...

1. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half time.
4. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
5. The funniest guy in the office would get to be boss.
6. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
7. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
8. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
9. Garbage would take itself out.
10. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".
11. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!".
12. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
13. St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
14. The only show opposite Match of the Day would be Match of the Day from a Different Camera Angle.
15. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
16. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
17. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as the bike breaks down again.

meme #2

2005-06-09T11:45:00.000Z

Times New Roman has passed this meme over.

1) If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? (Assume you also get baseline superhero enhancements like moderately increased strength, endurance and agility.)
I would like the power of inner illumination so those myopic bastards in 4x4's could see me coming. Mind you, they would have to learn to look first.

2) Which, if any, 'existing' superhero(es) do you fancy, and why?
It's probably Holly Hunters voice but I did find Elastigirl strangly appealing. Failing that and I know i've mentioned this before but Judge Anderson is my ultimate comic babe. I know she's not a super hero but I don't care.

3) Which, if any, 'existing' superhero(es) do you hate?
I used to hate everything from Marvel comics. They just seemed too bloody American compared to DC (apart from the JLA of course). Then i read 'Daredevil - Born Again' by Frank Miller and I was a convert. Mind you, if Stan Lee keeps saturating the market with movie after movie I could go off them again.

4) What would your superhero name be? (No prefab porn-name formulas here, you have to make up the name you think you'd be proud to mask under.)
Bearing in mind my choice of superpower I name myself 'HALO'.

5) Is there an 'existing' superhero with whom you identify/whom you would like to be?
I have always liked the Dark Knight himself, Batman. You see, he's not a 'super' hero. He has no special powers, never been dowsed in radiation or bitten by a mutant hedgehog, he's not an alien or an ancient god. He's just a normal (albeit very rich) bloke who watched his parents get shot when he was a nipper and vowed to avenge their death. Oh, and he's just the tiniest bit psycho.

Pass it on. Three people please, and why.
The obvious one is Psychbloke, comic reader extrordinaire but I know he doesn't like memes much. Number two is The Bubaker over at Mad TV, just curious what a computer geek used to read when he was growing up. And finally Mick at Never Mind the Bloggocks. I reckon he's read the odd graphic novel in his time.

Knock yourself out guys.

Thought for the day.

2005-06-08T08:12:00.000Z

Nostalgia.

It's not what it used to be is it?

Baby's on the road again.

2005-06-07T07:57:00.000Z

What a great journey I had into work this morning.

ON MY BIKE!!!!!!!!!
Yes that's right, my pussy'cat' has come through its heart transplant and is now purring better than ever. Really pleased with how the whole process went. Started stripping the bike down Friday evening, got the engine ready for removal between the rain on Saturday then Sunday saw the swap go smoother than smooth. Old block out and new block in in twenty minutes. The only problems I came up with were a badly frayed throttle cable and a mis-wired neural switch, both of which were quickly overcome.

Back on the road and it's good to see all my old friends are still there. The X5 driver who always seems to be overtaking, even when there's something coming the other way. The silver Vectra who's always up for a race (some people never learn) and that old dear in the Rover 100 Kensington with the 40mph fetish (she does it everywhere, down main roads, round country lanes, past primary schools).

Oh happy days are here again.

Lifes simple pleasures

2005-06-02T15:28:00.000Z

A huge thanks to Katy over at Flipping Heck for posting this.

Unsurprisingly, this weeks most punched face, the hugely irritating small-membered amphibian. Go knock yourself out.

Someone had waaaay too much time on their hands.

2005-05-31T10:59:00.000Z

25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

Silverstone triumph for Toseland

2005-05-31T09:33:00.000Z

James Toseland finally takes a win in the second race and gets a podium in the first. Suzuki are finally beaten, pity it was by Ducati.

What really pisses me off #1

2005-05-26T11:01:00.000Z

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

1984? George must be turning in his grave.

2005-05-25T14:32:00.000Z

Woohoo, a new series of Big Brother is almost upon us. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic news?
(Yet) another 'reality' show with fake people being filmed 24 hours a day hits our TV's on Friday. I'm constipated with the anticipation.

Channel 4 have long abandoned arguments that this show is an important 'Social Experiment' and last year spent the entire series trying to get the housemates to rip each others eyes out (attempts in previous years to get on-screen shagging failing miserably - apart from one possible late night blowie under the covers). Apparently this is what the viewing public want, though personally i'd rather watch slow motion short mat bowls. It's more interesting. The contestants, on the other hand, still trot out the same old lines; 'i'm in it for the experience', 'i'm here to discover myself', 'it's not about the winning'. Actually that last ones probably true. It's not about the winning. Or the taking part. It's about being famous when they get out of the house. Celebrity for celebrity's sake.

I suspect i'm not the only one who is sick to the back teeth with this fascination for the cult of 'Celebrity'. The whole thing has gone totally over the top and 'reality' shows are where the barrel is being well and truly scraped. Need further proof?

Jade Goody is a brainless, clueless, untalented waste of space who is now a millionaire. She has made a living off the back of appearing on TV and revealing to the world that she is a brainless, clueless, untalented waste of space. Yet people idolise her, they follow her every move in weekly litter tray liners like 'Closer' and 'Heat' and they have made her rich. If you asked her 'Why?' she'd probably say; 'Innat ver last lettah of da alfiebet? You know, ver one vat comes aftah 'T'.'

The big question is how much lower can the threshold for what constitutes a 'Celebrity' go? Turn onto any ITV program with the word 'Celebrity' in the title and then play spot the famous person.
Very few of them are well known because of their convincing portrayal of a tortured Hamlet, or their huge musical talent, or even their dedication to training that has made them the best in the world at their chosen sport. No, most of these people are there because they shagged someone who has convincly played a tortured etc. Or a soap star.

Perhaps the most pitiful ones though are those who were famous 25 years ago. The summer seasons at Blackpool have since dried up, the trophy wife has had an affair with the lead singer from some faceless boy band and the accountant has told them it's this or the trainee Redcoat gig at Butlins. Still desperate to be in the public eye they will happily eat cockroaches or share a glass walled shower with the lead singer from some (now defunct) faceless boy band.

Rightly though, these brushes with the spotlight don't last long. Where is 'Craig' these days? Heard from Jane McDonald lately?

Thoughts like this keep me sane.

360 degrees of separation

2005-05-20T13:50:00.000Z

I've just received an email from an (obviously bored) friend who's challenged me to a game of 'six degrees of separation' I'll let her explain:

Here is a puzzle for you to mull over.

The idea is to get from one celeb to another via the films they have been in.

Example: Go from Stallone to Patrick Swayze
Answer: Stallone was in Demolition man with Wesly snipes and Wesley snipes was in Too Wong Foo with Swayze.

You challenge if you accept it is to get from Christian Slater to George Clooney (it can be as long or as short as you like)!

Happy hunting

Vicky

I managed it with five films

Now, as any film buff will tell you, we can link alot quicker than that. Christian Slater appeared in 'True Romance', which was written by Quentin Tarantino, who also wrote (and starred in) 'From Dusk 'til Dawn' with George Clooney. Easy.

So, here's the challenge. What's the longest, most tedious link you can come up with to separate Messers Slater & Clooney?

Winner gets the respect and admiration of everyone else (and probably the sack).

Hurrah Hazaar

2005-05-20T09:40:00.000Z

*Dancing round the office singing*

'Sparky's got an engine, Sparky's got an engine.'

Thank fuck for that. After a month, numerous unproductive phonecalls & emails to breakers and several failed bids on eBay i've finally got hold of a new engine for the bike. Now I just need to get to Leicester, the city of the black-hole ringroad.

What your boss really thinks about you.

2005-05-18T08:00:00.000Z

I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus, two hundred times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe he beat out one million other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch Sixty Minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His employees would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.