Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Huh, tell me something I don't know!

I am 20% Idiot.
Friggin Genius
I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Monday, March 27, 2006

On the road with the 'looneys'

Sunday saw me taking my first CBT session unsupervised and it went mighty fine thank you very much. When I heard my first official victims pupils were going to be 16 year-old twins my life prematurely flashed in front of my eyes (at least I assume it was mine, there were a few bits I didn't recognise) but I needn't have worried. The two lads could already ride so all I had to do was get them familiar with the schools Honda Skys and then try and drum into their pubescent heads a bit of road sense.

This of course meant finding space amongst thoughts of all the girls they'd like to fumble with, every swearword on every 'Fiddy' track and encyclopaedic knowledge of all the different Lynx fragrances but I think I did as well as can be expected. The morning car park session was despatched relatively painlessly, the lunchtime talk left them satisfactorily glassy eyed and so we hit the road.

It didn't take long for their cockiness to deflate (about twenty seconds actually) and for the first hour I had to shepherd two nervous children joining the grown-up world of motorised transport for the first time. Things didn't go well to start with, shoulder checks and life-savers went out the window, road positioning at junctions was treated as optional and they both seemed to have problems understanding the words, 'Get away from that sodding kerb'. In the end we spent over an hour riding round and round a quiet estate until I was happy to take them through the town centre. After that things did get better. The afternoon ran out with us playing on Derehams only roundabout for twenty minutes, not normally on the curiculum but they will both be going on it every day so the first time might as well have supervised. Besides, it's the best place to drum into them that car drivers do not use their indicators. Ever.

Next session, this Saturday. Bring it on!

Monday Philosophy Corner #1

Friday, March 24, 2006

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

7 days later.

Some thoughts from the first week back on the road.

1) I'm a bit nervous about corners. Understandable really I suppose but I hope I get into it again before the chicken strips start to appear.

2) There is a lot of crap on the roads round our way at the moment. Mud, loose chippings, rubbish. What the hell is going on?

3) The traffic has gotten heavier in the 10 months since the crash, yet there seems to be more people pulling in to let me past, either when overtaking or filtering.

4) The differences between a 70,000 mile engine and a 7,000 mile engine are incredible. The bike is so responsive now. And economical. The first tank (16 litres) took me 200 miles. Not bad at all from a screaming supersport 600.

5) I'm not going to tell you what my 70 to 120mph roll-on time is because I obviously don't know. Ahem.

6) My new Shoei, though a lot more plush and better made than my old FM Force 10 is bloody noisy. Earplugs are a must now.

7) Foggy masks are condensation magnets compared to the Pinlock Anti-fog insert. The man who invented this is my god.

8) March never used to be this cold.

9) There aren't many other bikes on the road at the moment. Come on people, where the hell have you all gone? You on the ZX7R, get out of your box. R100 geezer, you haven't made an utter fool out of me with your incredible bike control. You must be a copper but how am I going to find out if you're not riding?

10) I need to take all the suspension settings back to standard and start again. New shock and heavier fork oil has got the bike steering a little slowly. Now things are settling there are a few other bit & pieces need fettling like play in the throttle, a stiff clutch lever and both foot pegs need repositioning.

11) Why does anyone drive?

Friday, March 17, 2006


Happy Paddy's Day Grandad. Let's hope tomorrow sees us lifting the Six Nations & the Triple Crown. Could be a long weekend in Dublin.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Band of Step Brothers

You know how these things go. Your sister mentions that your youngest step-brother 'had summink to do wiv ver music on vat 3 advert wiv ver big jellyfish and vose 2 old jap geezers' and one google search later you discover he's no longer cleaning windows in the 'Smoke' but has in fact changed his name to 'Bnaan', set up a record label and has just released a well received debut album with his band, 'Infadels'.

Decribed by AngloPlugging thus:
"With influences including punk, funk, dance, ska, electro, hip hop and blues it's no surprise that The Infadels' music is so difficult to pigeonhole. Unlike most of their contemporaries The Infadels' sound is not retro. With sophisticated but catchy song writing, the friction of live instrumentation with electronica and raw production techniques The Infadels transcend a live energy and immediacy. Their music captures the pounding excitement of dance along with the arrangement of rock and angst of punk while carrying a familiarity of the band's influences."
Sounds about right.

'We Are Not The Infadels' is available from all proper record shops and most online stores and It really is rather good. For those of you who are not sure which advert i'm referring to listen to Track 9; Give Yourself To Me. You might recognise the opening bars.

Not bad at all for a bald shortarse.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Don't they think we have too much TV already?

El Reg has some news guaranteed to have even the most impotent geek rubbing their hairy palms and salivating in antici-pation.

Plans are well underway for a Star Wars TV Series!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Template help required

The more observant among you may have noticed there has been a minor design change to the site to celebrate my new helmet. One problem though and I'm hoping you can help. Scroll down to the images in the side bar bottom left and you'll notice a white border around them. I have set border ="0" in the template yet it is still there. Anyone?

Monday, March 13, 2006

Heaven is.....

I Commute. No, wait. It's more than that. A sunny morning, the roads are quiet, the surface dry and ice-free. What traffic I do meet is quickly dispatched with the tiniest twist of the right wrist, new engine unleashing the big cat's roar as I pass. Why did I forget how good this sweeping A-Road into Norwich can be when you're not confined to a little tin box? How beautiful is the countryside, Norfolks beating heart, when your view is not obscured by metal pillars, crumple zones and stress? Through villages, throttle down, exhaust purring now. The contented rumble of freedom. Last chance to stretch the legs before civilisation. Lorry ahead, looking through the corner and out the other side, it's clear. Away I go, effortless power, easy and safe.

Into the outer suburbs and queues are starting to form. Filter straight past, no need to pause. Why sit with the sheep, looking up the exhaust of the Tesco lorry in front? Junctions left, right, all have cars waiting. No-one will let them out, staring straight ahead to avoid eye contact and obligation. Thank god I'm out of these petty, primitive games.

Everything at a standstill except me, feet still on pegs, ten miles and counting. Slow riding, clutch, rear brake, watching, judging the gaps. Traffic lights green, no need to stop and i'm on the final stretch. Someone pulls over, gives me room, left hand raised as I pass, thanks mate. More lights, red now. Cut to the front? Not this time. Feeling too good, no need to rush. Just take in this gorgeous March morning, the gods are smiling today.

Last turn and into car park. Gap next to door, I'll always have a space. Engine off, sidestand down and sit. Just a moment. Eyes closed, replaying the first proper ride in nine months. Engine cools. Tick, tick, tick, the heat slowly soaking into the atmosphere. The beast sated for now, sleeping, ready to re-awaken at the end of the day.

Check the time. Almost ten minutes quicker than last week and four wheels. No stress, no racing heartbeat, no feeling of frustration that needs release. Just relaxed and ready for the day ahead.

Aaaaaahhh, i've missed this.

Friday, March 10, 2006

The Hoff Vs Chuck *

When David Hasselhoff donates blood he declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you're just seconds away from death.

Crop circles are The Hoff's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is he always says "Two seconds 'til." After you ask "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light - except pink.

Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When David Hasselhoff does a push up he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.

There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day God rested.... and The Hoff took over.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

David Hasselhoff once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.... and won.

In an average living room there are 1242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The Hoff uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate but that is a lie created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

David Hasselhoff doesn't believe in God.... God believes in The Hoff.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

*Like Alien vs Predator but twice as dangerous to the rest of the world

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Wine me, dine me, 419 me.

The Register reports on the latest 419er email doing the rounds. I just had to post it.

I am Tony Fred Williams I am 14 years old I live in Manchester(UK) before my father die, now I live with my mother in Scotland. my father is from Manchester (UK) and my mother is from Scotland. my late father Mr. Fred Williams was a Contractor in Manchester(UK) before he die in a car accident last years July 25th 2005. he left £50Million (Fifty Million Pounds) in his account before he die. The £50Million is in (First Union National Bank UK) I have been trying to collect the money from (First Union National Bank UK) but the MD CEO told me to go and look for some body that is honest and old enough to help me collect the money.

I could have tell my mother to assist me to collect the £50Million for me but my mother and father got devoured before my father die and my father told me to not have anything to do with my mother I don’t even want her to know because what my father told me before he die was true, now that I stay with my mother in Scotland she don’t even have time for me all she do is to take hard drugs and to bring men to the house and she also hit me all the time.

I don’t want to have anything to do with her, I just want some body that is old enough and honest to help me collect the £50Million from the bank as I am too young to take care of £50Million. Please I need your help if you can assist me to collect the £50Million from the bank I will give you 40% and take 60%. I have all documentation on my name you can confirm from the bank. i am the indeed benefited Next of Kin to my late father Mr. Fred Williams. The MD CEO (First Union National Bank UK) told me to look for some body that is honest and old enough so that he can send the £50Million to the person account immediately.

If you can help me i will contact the MD CEO (First Union National Bank UK) and tell him that i have found a honest person who want to help me collect the £50Million. so when you contact him he will know i sent you.

I will give you is contact so that you can contact him to enable him send the £50Million to your provided account immediately Please help me. I will be waiting for your urgent reply so i can give you the contact of the bank and send you the last statement of account of my late father and i will also send you my picture and my birth certificate. Please Help me reply back on my private email: so i can send you all information you need.

Best Regards Tony Fred Williams

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Gawd blessit.

MCN, you've got to love it. The mainstay of motorcycle journalism for the last 50 years does so much to further the cause of the biking community.

Or something.

I get it most weeks because it does have good sport coverage and the new bikes stuff is interesting but it really needs to sort out it's investigative reporting department. The guys writing the 'hard-hitting exposes' on anything that potentially affects its readership are starting to sound like the paranoid offspring of a Sun reporter and a Daily Mail editor.

It's current anti speed camera campaign has good intentions. The premise is that the majority of camera types in this country have never been tested for accuracy on bikes, a problem highlighted by several wrongful prosecutions that got thrown out of court. If the story is true (and evidence seems to suggest MCN are on to something) then it is a scandal that needs to be blown wide open. Unfortunately, a sensationalist journalist with a persecution complex isn't perhaps the best person to be spreading the word.

The irony of the situation is ably demonstrated in todays front page. On the left; 'YES SPEED CAMERAS DO LIE - THE PROOF' and on the right; '200mph! World first test of Kawasaki's mind-blowing ZZR1400'.


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I read the news today (oh boy).

Three news items that dropped into my RSS feed this morning.

1) The Guardian reports on the latest use for Roadside Cameras. They are now going to be watching you to make sure you are wearing your seat belt and not using your mobile phone. In a way this is good, at least it seems to signal a minor move away from the hysteria surrounding the idea that speed is THE reason people are being killed on the roads left, right and centre.

On the other hand this is very bad. There is something inherently violating about being caught doing wrong on a camera. If you're chatting on the phone whilst the BMW you're supposed to be in control of mounts a kerb in front of a Rozzer then most people will hold their hand up and take it on the chin. Get caught by camera though and a sense of guilt is the one emotion most people WON'T feel. Indignation slipping towards paranoia at being caught by some sneaky little spy, the phrases 'Big Brother' & '1984' inevitably being trotted out whislt moaning how hard done by you are. Sadly, cameras may catch a lot more people speeding, texting, driving uninsured etc than your average beardie traffic cop but they do it in such an inpersonal fashion that people do not respond to being caught in a way that will ensure they don't do wrong again. We are alleged to be the most watched citizenry in the western world and it is eroding our respect for law.

This won't change any time soon though because of the money, lots of it. And all flowing towards the people that set this situation up in the first place.

2) The right to be a parent vs the right to NOT be a parent. Touchy subject this and for various reasons one that is kinda relevent in my life at the mo'. I feel sorry for the woman, I really do but there are at least two other lives (potentially more) to take into consideration here: The ex' and any offspring that may have been produced had she got the go-ahead. Should her right to a family life as enshrined in the European Convention of Human Rights outweigh the mans right to not be a father with a woman he no longer has a relationship with? And does she have any right to bring into the world a baby who isn't wanted or won't be accepted by the other parent just to satisfy her biological urge to give birth?

I don't feel this compulsion to reproduce and I find it difficult to understand why someone would take things so far to have a baby, especially when there are so many unwanted children in the world. Even in Norfolk there are more children waiting for a loving home than there are people willing to take them on. Why not give one of them a chance? I do not accept the argument that you would love a child that is biologically yours more than one you've fostered or adopted. If you can't love and nuture ANY child that needs it then maybe you shouldn't be a parent.

3) And on a lighter note (thank god for that) Beer Fights Heart Disease! Knackers your liver though.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Friday Fuckwit #8


When he get back from the show on Monday I am going to take this big, fat file on my desk and shove it sideways up his arse.
It's just a reminder that when he promises a customer something we can't deliver, when he says something is possible when it's not and when he gives a totally unrealistic lead-in time I am not going to be the one who has to deal with the unpleasant phonecall from a very irate woman on a Friday afternoon any more.

No, what I am going to do next time he pulls that stunt is drop him in a very large pile of amoebic dysentry ridden faeces from a great height. Let's see that smug, shit-eating grin of his masticate it's way out of that.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


smidsy --


Like in nature to a banana peel

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at

I have no idea what it means either. Blame The Aardvark for the link.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A perfect day

Hot on the heals of the current TV ad for the road safety campaign Think!, showing a CB500 rider T-boning a myopic driver in disturbingly graphic detail comes this. Never seen it before, have you? Well you should have done as, according to Think! , this advert was released in 2004!

From a biker point of view the older ad gets me thinking a lot more about my riding than the latest one. Not really suprising as the new one is obviously targeted at car drivers, but why wasn't 'A perfect day' given more coverage? It's full of biker in-jokes & scenarios immediatley recognisable to anyone who rides and gets its point across very well without resorting to shock tactics and scaring potential riders away.

The future of Bike safety is in getting more people to think(!) about bikes, to understand why we ride and potentially to get them thinking about riding as well. It is constantly said in the Motorcycle press that riders make more considerate drivers. I don't know if it's true or not but it sounds like common sense. Someone sitting in a car who understands or has experienced what it is to ride is going to be paying more attention to any bikes on the road aren't they?