Monday, January 30, 2006

Meme #4

Shamelessly lifted from Blue Tealeaf.

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Hire car delivery driver.
2. Bakery assistant.
3. Technical illustrator.
4. Paper boy.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Blade.
2. LOTR.
3. Crouching Tiger.
4. North By Northwest.

Four places I have lived:
1. West Earlham.
2. Costessey.
3. East Tuddenham.
4. Swanton Morley.

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica.
2. Lost.
3. Mythbusters.
4. MotoGP on Eurosport.

Four places I have been on holiday:
1. Greece.
2. Switzerland.
3. The Maldives.
4. Cromer.

Four of my favourite dishes:
1. Spag Bog.
2. Shepherds Pie.
3. Prawn & Chicken Chowder
4. Ice Cream.

Four websites I visit daily:
1. BBC News.
2. Guardian Unlimited.
3. Norwich & District Photographic Society forum.
4. Ebay.

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. The Maldives.
2. Australia
3. Japan
4. Home.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Geek Philosophy

There are 10 types of people on this planet, those that get binary and those that don't.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Pope Palpatine's Love-in

So the Pope has given his views on what modern love means to all Catholics. Amongst other things it should mean charity and giving to those in need, particularly in the developing world.

I can see it now. Hello 3 year old starving AIDS victim. Take all the love I have but don't expect me to give your parents condoms.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

BSB on TV for us to SEE

BSB will be on terrestrial TV again this year. Should be happy about this but i'm not totally convinced. Turns out the broadcaster is ITV.

That's right. The channel that killed F1, screwed over non-premiership Football, buggered up terrestrial digital TV and, as an aside, gave us that fucking awful Shane Ward song, is going to be responsible for beaming the best domestic racing series in the world into our homes. They had better not screw this one up!

For those of you with Sky Sports, you can always catch up with things the evening after the race.

But just to prove i'm not completely down on this it does mean there's going to be less of that twat, Steve 'when I used to race' Parrish on TV.

Thanks to Darklord for the links.

Monday, January 23, 2006

An urgent message from the DEC

A major hurricane, christened SHAZZA,hit the south-east of England in the early hours of this morning. The epicentre was Basildon in Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "faackin 'ell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing over £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many locals were woken before their giro arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into the bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning".

Rescue workers have also found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret. "Where are you bleeding from" ? they asked. "ROMFORD" said the girl "woss that gotta fackin' do wiv it" ?

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help grief-stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught in the disaster. Clothing is most soughtafter. These include:

- Fila or Burberry baseball caps

- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

- Shell suits (female)

- white sport socks

- Rockport boots

- Any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

- microwave meals

- tins of baked beans

- ice cream

- KFC

- Domino's Pizza

- cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew

Also any donations are accepted:

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation form.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Monday, January 16, 2006

'Cat Watch

Here is an update on the current state of the Thundercat.

Damage uncovered (so far):
Knackered lower fairing.
Broken wingmirror
Missing indicator
Snapped footpeg
Leaking fork seal
Cracked mudguard
Bent clip-on

Parts aquired:
Fairing panel
Footpeg
Fork Seals
Clip-on
Rear shock absorber (old one knackered but not in accident)

Work completed:
All damaged parts stripped from bike

Next job:
New fork seals

Anticipated 'Back On Road' date:
Mid February

Friday, January 13, 2006

Git orf me barra. The Life & Times of a Mockney #1

I've noticed there are a number of blogs out there named after and dedicated to one persons' (usually uncomplimentary) daily dealings with a particular individual who really gets on their tits. For instance there is 'My neighbours are hoors', 'Things I hate about my flatmate' and 'My boyfriend is a twat' (though to be fair to Zoe, I think she loves him really).

With this in mind I have decided to rename my blog; 'Why do I have to sit next to that fat, balding Mockney Wanker? The trials & tribulations of working with a 'Geezer''.

I see the restyled blog evolving into a far-reaching & hard hitting look at the darker side of 50-year-old barra boys and their continuing fight to be 'accepted' by more cultured, informed and intelligent people (ie. everyone else) as one of Walfords own. So, without further ado, let us start this emotional roller coaster ride of a story at the beginning.

Rodney 'Great' Wheeler (name changed, nickname spot on) was born to the strains of a gramaphone recording of Bow Bells in a small shared broom cupboard, Southend-on-Sea in 1823. The son of a migrant circus dwarf and a lady 'of negotiable affection' young Rodders could truly claim to be a genuine blue-blood 'Mockney'. Raised on a diet of Watney's Red Barrel, jellied eels and 'Carry-on' movies, his childhood years were spent with other fake tykes down back alleys, smoking 'bines, playing 'Guess the Music Hall favourite' and practising rhyming slang.

In 1907, aged 12, Rodney left the local workhouse comprehensive and enrolled for apprenticeship in the School Of Life as a trainee bullshitter. It was a career that suited him to the ground and very soon he could speak complete bollocks for over an hour without uttering one single word of truth. He also showed great aptitude in ruining a good joke, displayed a stunning lack of a sense of humour and yet, in true mockney style, he still thought he was the funniest man to have ever walked the earth. One day, he used to say, people everywhere would realise that he was 'GREAT'. With confidence brimming he graduated as a 'supreme bullshitter' in 1948 and took his first steps into the big wide world of Londons east end.

Coming next week....
Rodney finds his Pearly Queen and they settle down & spawn their first chav.

Stay tuned!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Friday Funny Corner

The Aardvark has passed on this blonde joke. You WILL laugh. Guaranteed.

Warning - This post may contain vowels.

Having been sent this Times article from The Darklord I have decided to declare 2006 (drumroll please)...

...The year of the rejection of overly-complicated and marketing-led misinformation that has been implemented to draw demographically targeted consumers attention away from a products short-comings whilst advancing the idea that said product will improve every aspect of the lifestyle of aforementioned consumer & his/her immediate family, friends or pet by promising them a model physique and enabling them to spend more time rollerskating, playing beach volleyball, never sitting in traffic jams & eating healthy junk food that doesn't look like it's been slung together by an acne-ridden YTS trainee, whilst laughing in an exaggerated manner the whole time and also the cessation of any and all warnings and notices that even the terminally hard of thinking & all Americans would feel they need to say, "well DUH!!" to after reading.

Or 'NO MORE BULLSHIT' to give it a less marketing friendly title.

Anyone with me?