Friday, December 23, 2005

Have a Happy Christmas...



and a safe New Year everybody.

And remember, don't drink & ride. You'll spill it! (I love the old ones)

What the paper's say.

After my rant the other day about the newspapers treatment of the loss of Elaine Lordan's baby, I feel I need to congratulate the 'Sun's' coverage yesterday of the Dwight/Furnish wedding and it's headline 'Elton takes David up the Aisle'.

That's better. Tabloids at their best.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Fuck compassion, let's sell papers!

If i'm ever in the unthinkable position of suffering the death of my one year old child I know the one thing that's going to help me come to terms with it is seeing
"SPARX'S BABY DIES"

in very large headlines across the front pages of every national birdcage liner the next day.

And whilst I'm attempting to gain 'closure' from reading these sensitive, sympathetic articles I can take solace in the fact that the deaths of my mother and my baby in the space of a few months were just 'setbacks'.

Utter SCUM.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Lost

I could hardly be classed as a luddite. Technology is great for a) making it easier and quicker to do stuff and b) giving us loads of really cool toys that have no practical uses whatsoever but are a bloody good laugh. There is something that falls into neither of these catagories though but everyone seems to be falling over themselves to either sell them or buy them. These sad sheep then announce to the world that what they now own is the best thing since that longlife sliced bread that combines the taste of white with the goodness of wholemeal (or some bollocks).

I'm talking about Satellite navigation.

SatNav has got to be the biggest money-spinning con for several years now. I can almost accept that phones with built-in cameras, music players and decibel meters are not completely pointless but recent experiences have shown me that GPS is. For most people.

I will concede that for delivery drivers, sales reps, taxi drivers etc SatNav is a useful way of locating a particular premises without faffing around with a map. BUT (and this is a big BUT) only if the person utilising the technology has more braincells than your average bout of amoebic dysentry*. For the general public though I cannot see the point.

Unless of course, you're a sad Billy-no-mates Mockney Wanker who thinks it will make him popular. Mockney has just spent £450 (or a pony and a half in his language or something) on the latest kit to go in his Ford Focus with leopard-print steering wheel cover. The guy lives in Yarmouth and works in Norwich and has driven this same route most days for the last four years. He doesn't go anywhere else except for twice a year when he drives down to Essex to see his mum who has lived in the same house for 60 years. I've just described a man who always knows where he's going but he uses his SatNav every day!

Now picture this. It's the summer and a load of us are down to Devon for our annual getaway. We decide to go for a walk along a cliff path five miles from the campsite. Map out, quick glance and three cars know where they're going. Car Four is fitted with SmartNav and doesn't need to look at the map. Predictably Car Four pisses off into the distance and we resign ourselves to lots of low-tech ribbing when we finally reach the car park. Ten minutes later we pull up. Car Four isn't there! And he's not there for another ten minutes! Smart-my-arse-Nav had got him lost. Utterly priceless.

Now skip forward 6 months. It's cold and dark outside and i've just spent the last 20 minutes standing on my doorstep on the phone to the taxi company trying to talk their guy to our house. We finally pile into the cab an hour late to glance at his dashboard and be confronted with - guess?



*Sadly, one of our delivery guys doesn't fall into this category. He is at the NEC and needs to get back to Norwich. For those of you not familiar with the East of England (or the pigs arse) this is a route that doesn't even need a map. M6, A14, A11 and home. Amoeba boy knows different. He has SatNav and must use it because it's advertised on telly a lot and it's female voice gives him the horn. So he types in his destination, presses the button and away he goes. Via the M25. We still don't know what happened.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Gratuitous Traffic Generating Link Post

I've got hooked on several comic strips over the last couple of weeks, partly through Comic Alert which sets up RSS feeds to Thunderbird.



This one is from Bizarro but also check out some of these:
Sinfest
Wapsi Square
Slowpoke
Big Fat Whale
Mikhaela

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Re-tyred

Latest news from MCN is that the Whinging Emperor can't get a ride after all. Turns out Bridgestone aren't too happy about the moaning one using their tyres and they won't let Kawasaki put out a ZX-RR on Michelins.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I'm sorry, just read the bit where Biaggi says, and I quote, "I still feel capable of winning races and beating my rivals, including Rossi."

Thanks Max, that's the first time you've made me smile since you almost went arse over tit pulling a wheelie on the finish line in Brno.

The Pluto Diet

The Register has a frankly astonishing story running at the moment concerning a patent application by Disney. Application No. 20050252958 is for a "system and method for wireless transfer of data content to a portable device." Sounds harmless enough.

Wrong!

Anyone who was put off McDonalds for life after watching 'Supersize Me' should stop reading now. The bright idea is for fast food companies to sell wireless media players with kids meals in an effort to get them hooked on grease, fat, high salt intake and Mickey.

Here is Walt's dream; Obese, diabetic American child walks in McD's and orders a 'Happy Meal'. Child is now entitled to download a segment of a Disney production to player. To see the rest of said production child must continue to purchase 'Happy Meals' until all segments are downloaded and child (now blind from the diabetes) dies of liver failure. Or as they put it...

"It can be seen that the downloading of small sections or parts of content can be spread out over a long period of time, e.g., 5 days. Each time a different part of the content, such as a movie, is downloaded, until the entire movie is accumulated. Thus, as a promotional program with a venue, such as McDonald's restaurant, a video, video game, new character for a game, etc., can be sent to the portable media player through a wireless internet connection, such as Wi Fi, as an alternative to giving out toys with Happy Meals or some other promotion. The foregoing may be accomplished each time the player is within range of a Wi Fi or other wireless access point.

"The reward for eating at a restaurant, for example, could be the automatic downloading of a segment of a movie or the like, or a short animated clip or cartoon."


I'm sorry? 5 days is 'a long period of time'? Reward kids for shovelling unhealthy crap into their bodies by giving them something to do that involves sitting on their obese arses all day? As long as it pushes the Disney brand at the most easily influenced section of society (and the one that really holds the purse strings) then it's OK. Apparently.

I am not a Disney fan by any means. Their constant self-publicity, brand-pushing and band-wagon jumping is commercial excess and corporate greed at it's worse, but this just takes the piss.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Meme #3

Plucked this one from the Liberal Elite. I hope i've managed to come across as genuine and not full of a load of contrived crap, my biggest fear when dealing with meme's.

1. My uncle once: knew the numbers and the machine in every lottery draw ever. Probably still does but I really try not to be in the same room as him.
2. Never in my life: have I seen a lesbian floor show.
3. When I was five: the queen had a silver jubilee and Elvis took one last crap.
4. High School is: something I could have done so much better at.
5. My parents are: mostly doing something else.
6. I once met: John Wilson. At the time I didn't know who he was but very quickly realised that WHAT he was is a drunken prick.
7. There's this girl I knew who: (allegedly) would go down on you for a pack of Marlboro Lights.
8. Once, at a bar: I was refused service because I didn't have ID. It was the first time that had ever happened to me. I was 26.
9. Last night: I did very little.
10. Next time I go to church: it will be someones wedding or funeral and i'll be standing at the back feeling like a hypocrite.
11. When I turn my head left, I see: how little work i've got this week.
12. When I turn my head right, I see: the one christmas card i've received so far.
13. How many days until my birthday?: 352.
14. If I was a character written by Shakespeare I'd be: an extra.
15. By this time next year: my bike will be on the road.
16. A better name for me would be: err thingy, you know who I mean. Don't you?
17. I have a hard time understanding: how anyone can think organised religion is a good thing.
18. If I ever go back to school I: will do what I want to do, not what everyone else tells me to do.
19. You know I like you if: there is a comfortable silence.
20. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: Max.
21. Take my advice: it's usually free.
22. My ideal breakfast is: Kedgeree.
23. If you visit my hometown: you'll see a high street that now looks like every other high street in the country. We are Borg.
24. Why won't someone: tell that mockney wanker sitting behind me to PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
25. If you spend the night at my house: you'll be sharing a sofa with a Jack Russell and a Ginger Tom.
26. I'd stop my wedding: if I thought she didn't want to go through with it.
27. The world could do without: Dubya
28. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: go out to dinner with Richard & Judy.
29. Paper clips are more useful than: Dubya
30. If I do anything well, it is: taking a good photograph.
31. And by the way: filtering is legal.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday Fuckwit #6

Richard Madelely.

Do you really need me to give you a reason? For fucks sake people, haven't you ever watched Richard & Judy? The man is an utter cock.

*Alright, so no-one has really pissed me off this week and i've had to fall back on an old faithful. Let's face it though, the tosser deserves it.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

It's Thursday humour corner

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in and was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left in a thoughtful mood. When she got home she undressed,showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, he walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

BADOOMBOOM CHHHHHH
Thankyou very much, i'm here all week. Try the buffet.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

WHY???!!!! #2

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

WHY???!!!! #1