Wednesday, November 30, 2005

What are they thinking?

Rumour has it Kawasaki are considering whoring themselves to Camel for lots of money. The catch? They have to put the whinging Emperor, Max Biaggi on one of the mean greenies.

WTF is Harald Eckl thinking. Sure RJ Reynolds Tobacco is happy to splash out a lot of money and, as one of the smaller teams, Kawasaki could do with the cash. But is it worth having to put up with Biaggi's season-long whinging?

Most importantly though, they would have to field a yellow bike. Now everyone knows it's a scientifically proven fact that Kawasaki's look best in green. Just take the two bikes below. Both ZX10R's, both being raced in the '05 BSB Championships and both good looking bikes. On the left we have Hawk Kawasaki's effort and on the right the weapon of choice for Vivaldi Racing.

See? Green every time i'm afraid.

Monday, November 28, 2005

A Review

The Prodigy at The National Indoor Arena, Birmingham on Friday 25th November 2005.


Friday, November 25, 2005

An Apology

No Friday Fuckwit this week i'm afraid. I'm in too much of a good mood on account of me going to see The Prodigy this evening. WOOHOO!!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

They call me Nostrodamus

Sorry mate. I didn't see you. I was too busy watching last nights Most Haunted.

You know i'm right!

Friday, November 18, 2005


Laugh? I'm still wringing my trousers out.

Utterly priceless from Rich, now known as the Dark Lord.

Friday Fuckwit #5

This weeks Friday Fuckwit is a person close to my heart, geographically speaking. It's my next-door neighbour.

To my eternal shame the man has succeeded in turning me into the ideal subject for ITV's next hard-hitting documentary; 'When neighbours turn psychotic'. And all over something as petty as car-parking.

Here's some background. We live in the middle of a terrace of three 300 year old farm cottages that don't have front gardens. To our left are Jo & Rich (Hi guys!) and to our right is Tossface (my wife's pet name), his LTLP and brood. Only Jo & Rich (Hi guys!) have a driveway and, up until this year their one car was parked there. This meant our one car, Tossface's Audi and his LTLP's Citroen fitted neatly outside the houses.

This arrangement should have worked OK but for one problem. For reasons known only to him, Tossfaces car had to be parked outside his house at all times. And LTLP's car had to be as close as possible to his house at all times, ie: outside ours.

Fair enough.

To be honest, it was a real pleasure sitting in our front room on a sunday afternoon watching our weird neighbours playing 'Musical Cars' every time one of them went out. Their skill in parking spot reservation was quite breathtaking in it's execution. As the Audi pulled away the Citroen would move into it's slot. Then, as the Audi was coming back down the road the Citroen would slide back and let him in. Stunning organisation.

Then a few things happened that would spoil the status quo.

Firstly Jo & Rich (Hi guys!) got a second car which (quite rightly) they wanted to park outside their house. Secondly, my wife went part-time at work which meant she was getting home earlier and (naturally) parking her car outside our house. The final straw though was when Tossface bought a THIRD car to replace the citroen, but didn't get rid of the Citroen!

This now meant their weekend games got stupid. Instead of moving their cars when one of them went out, they were now moving cars when anyone else went out as well. You could jump into the car to run some bottles to the bottle bank at the village hall and come back literally two minutes later to find your space gone and LTLP running through their front door.

I was quite calm about this at first but then, a couple of weekends ago I came home with a full load of wood in the car and couldn't get anywhere near my front door as all three of their cars were parked up in a line. 'Fuck this!' thought I, 'i'm not putting up with it any more.' I pulled up next to Tossface and asked him (very politely I must add) to move one of his vehicles as I would like to park outside my house and unload. Oh, and by the way if they could not park there for the next few days as we have lots of heavy loads going in & out and various delivery drivers and carpet fitters who will need the space. OK? Fine says he and moves. A little later I go out to pick up Max from work and when we get back guess what? That's right, they had moved their fucking cars again.

Deep breath, keep calm, knock on door and just be polite. 'Yeah hi, er can you move please, we've got some loading to do this evening. Cheers (tosser).' Job done, Perhaps they'll take the hint.

What utter BOLLOCKS!!

Within five minutes of Max leaving for work the next morning old Tossface is outside moving one of their cars outside MY HOUSE. To cut what is already a very long post a bit shorter, I ended up outside going totally medieval monkeypoo on his fat, sweaty arse. How DARE he? Who the FUCK does he think he is? WHAT FUCKING GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS does he have over the rest of us mere mortals.

I swore (a lot). I used the 'C' word for the first time ever in someone elses earshot (twice). I threw all the scrap wood from the front room all over the road. I could be heard three miles away explaining to him that, at the end of the day, he was basically an 'IGNORANT FAT FUCK'. He threatened to hit me. I laughed. He dared me to hit him. At that point I just got very quiet and whispered to him that he really doesn't want to go there. He went pale and then went to get LTLP to see what i'd done with the wood. I went to get Jo & Rich's (Hi guys!) kids as 'we might as well make a party of it'. He hasn't parked outside my house (or anyone else's) since and I still feel that i've let myself down.

I've let a lazy, fat, obnoxious little prick get under my skin to the extent that a large portion of Swanton Morley's population heard first-hand my thoughts on the subject of neighbourly consideration. It doesn't really matter that everyone i've spoken to about it appears to be on my side. 'About bloody time' is the new mantra for our village it seems. I feel bad and I know why.

I am now no better than him. I've stooped to his level and it's slimy, dirty and full of bile. For this neighbour, you are my Friday Fuckwit.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The ultimate question answered?

I know this has been a question that has kept you awake at night. You've not been able to concentrate at work because of it. Your social life is starting to suffer as the obsession starts to take hold, even your geekiest, baldest friend (the one with the life-size Seven-of-Nine in his bedroom) seems to be washing his hair a lot lately. You need to know...

....Who COULD beat Yoda in a fight?

The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation

15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon

14. Grooming the Wookie

13. Making the Kessel Run

12. Polishing Vader's Helmet

11. Evacuating Tatooine

10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber

9. Releasing the Special Edition

8. Jumping to Delight Speed

7. Communicating with Red Leader One

6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo

5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit

4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base

3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick

2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation is (sound of drums rolling)....................

1. Test Firing the Death Star

Thankyou Mr Fisher. More exciting Star Wars related nonsense coming very soon. And it's gonna be good.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Tip of the Day #6

Fifty year old fat, balding, wanna be 'cockney geezer' essex boys - you DON'T know everything, you're NOT even slightly funny and that furry leopard-skin steering wheel cover on your Ford Focus DOES NOT make you 'street'.

Oh, and if I hear you spout just one more bit of mockney rhyming slang I will personally take a whole barrel-load of apples & pears and shove them so far up your Khyber you'll be squirting fruit juice through your raspberries.



Somebody kill me now!!!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Short memories.

The people remembered on this monument left my village 90 years ago to defend this country and didn't come back. It's a shame that those in power keep forgetting what it was they died to protect.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A quick update

A) No films developed in three months (don't ask)
2) Jewellery not sold yet (don't ask)
Thirdly) Bike still off road (really don't ask)
iv) I've killed my twat of a next door neighbour and buried him under his concrete car park of a back garden (Don't have to ask, rant coming up in the next few days).

On the plus side;
1) I'm training to be a CBT instructor which should pay for the bike to be sorted.
B) We have a beautifully decorated front room with new sofa and no hole in the ceiling (long story, don't ask), and the kitchen light switches are no longer a serious threat to anyone equiped with a pacemaker (ditto).
iii) I'm going to see The Prodigy at the end of this month (I am literally wetting myself in anticipation)

Anyway enough about me, lets talk about you. Have you missed me?

With a creak the door slowly opens...........

....... and a shaft of light penetrates the gloom of the old, abandoned garage. Motes of dust, disturbed by the breeze, dance in the pale light of a new dawn before erupting in a billowing cloud when a dark, shadowy figure slips through the gap. The stranger flits stealthily across the room to an ancient computer terminal at the far wall.

A hum fills the air as the cooling fan starts up for the first time in centuries and the antiquated CRT screen flickers into life. Hardly daring to breathe, the intruder reaches for the keypad and slowly, shakily begins to type.....