Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Someone had waaaay too much time on their hands.

25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

Silverstone triumph for Toseland

James Toseland finally takes a win in the second race and gets a podium in the first. Suzuki are finally beaten, pity it was by Ducati.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

What really pisses me off #1

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

1984? George must be turning in his grave.

Woohoo, a new series of Big Brother is almost upon us. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic news?
(Yet) another 'reality' show with fake people being filmed 24 hours a day hits our TV's on Friday. I'm constipated with the anticipation.

Channel 4 have long abandoned arguments that this show is an important 'Social Experiment' and last year spent the entire series trying to get the housemates to rip each others eyes out (attempts in previous years to get on-screen shagging failing miserably - apart from one possible late night blowie under the covers). Apparently this is what the viewing public want, though personally i'd rather watch slow motion short mat bowls. It's more interesting. The contestants, on the other hand, still trot out the same old lines; 'i'm in it for the experience', 'i'm here to discover myself', 'it's not about the winning'. Actually that last ones probably true. It's not about the winning. Or the taking part. It's about being famous when they get out of the house. Celebrity for celebrity's sake.

I suspect i'm not the only one who is sick to the back teeth with this fascination for the cult of 'Celebrity'. The whole thing has gone totally over the top and 'reality' shows are where the barrel is being well and truly scraped. Need further proof?

Jade Goody is a brainless, clueless, untalented waste of space who is now a millionaire. She has made a living off the back of appearing on TV and revealing to the world that she is a brainless, clueless, untalented waste of space. Yet people idolise her, they follow her every move in weekly litter tray liners like 'Closer' and 'Heat' and they have made her rich. If you asked her 'Why?' she'd probably say; 'Innat ver last lettah of da alfiebet? You know, ver one vat comes aftah 'T'.'

The big question is how much lower can the threshold for what constitutes a 'Celebrity' go? Turn onto any ITV program with the word 'Celebrity' in the title and then play spot the famous person.
Very few of them are well known because of their convincing portrayal of a tortured Hamlet, or their huge musical talent, or even their dedication to training that has made them the best in the world at their chosen sport. No, most of these people are there because they shagged someone who has convincly played a tortured etc. Or a soap star.

Perhaps the most pitiful ones though are those who were famous 25 years ago. The summer seasons at Blackpool have since dried up, the trophy wife has had an affair with the lead singer from some faceless boy band and the accountant has told them it's this or the trainee Redcoat gig at Butlins. Still desperate to be in the public eye they will happily eat cockroaches or share a glass walled shower with the lead singer from some (now defunct) faceless boy band.

Rightly though, these brushes with the spotlight don't last long. Where is 'Craig' these days? Heard from Jane McDonald lately?

Thoughts like this keep me sane.

Friday, May 20, 2005

360 degrees of separation

I've just received an email from an (obviously bored) friend who's challenged me to a game of 'six degrees of separation' I'll let her explain:

Here is a puzzle for you to mull over.

The idea is to get from one celeb to another via the films they have been in.

Example: Go from Stallone to Patrick Swayze
Answer: Stallone was in Demolition man with Wesly snipes and Wesley snipes was in Too Wong Foo with Swayze.

You challenge if you accept it is to get from Christian Slater to George Clooney (it can be as long or as short as you like)!

Happy hunting


I managed it with five films

Now, as any film buff will tell you, we can link alot quicker than that. Christian Slater appeared in 'True Romance', which was written by Quentin Tarantino, who also wrote (and starred in) 'From Dusk 'til Dawn' with George Clooney. Easy.

So, here's the challenge. What's the longest, most tedious link you can come up with to separate Messers Slater & Clooney?

Winner gets the respect and admiration of everyone else (and probably the sack).

Hurrah Hazaar

*Dancing round the office singing*

'Sparky's got an engine, Sparky's got an engine.'

Thank fuck for that. After a month, numerous unproductive phonecalls & emails to breakers and several failed bids on eBay i've finally got hold of a new engine for the bike. Now I just need to get to Leicester, the city of the black-hole ringroad.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

What your boss really thinks about you.

I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus, two hundred times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe he beat out one million other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch Sixty Minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His employees would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Zen and the art of posting

It's been quiet round here lately. Work has been OK, nothing in the news has really got my goat up, the roads are quite calm at the moment, there has been nothing to rant about. After the nightmare start to the year life is (relatively) good. Taken the opportunity to get the new and improved photoblog up and running (plug) and got stuck into photography again. I have this urge to shout about something, anything but nothing is springing immediately to mind.

Oh, I know; CHAV'S.

Those ignorant, smelly, dirty, sad little boys and (usually pregnant) girls who... Oh, I can't be arsed.

Here is some light music.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Bike racing stuff

Monday, May 09, 2005

Product placement

In a shamelessly blatant piece of traffic generating I would like to introduce my newly re-launched photoblog: darkplanet - photography by marcus scott.

And while we're at it you might as well pop over and visit a couple of sites i've put together for others.

Melissa Scott Pet Portraits is my step-mums web presence, done at a time when I was heavily into Flash (but i'm better now thank you for asking) and MotoRider, the only riding school worth chucking your money at if you live in Norfolk and North Suffolk.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


I have just dropped my overly-full hole punch on the floor and now I have chads everywhere.

Bunch of bleeding ARSE.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

MotoGP 3 - China

Another race, another talking point. This time it was Olivier Jaques and Kawasaki taking 2nd place. Admittedly it was absolutely pissing it down which is always a great leveller but still, the guy hasn't ridden anything in 7 months and only rode the bike for the first time last week yet still set several fastest laps in the course of the race. Top work fella, will make for an interesting Le Mans next week which is usually wet.

Sundays race also gave me a (belated) Friday Fuckwit in the form of a certain Mr. Steve Parrish, ex-bike racer, truck driver, bessie mate to Baz Sheene, BBC commentator and twat. I watched the race in the morning on Eurosport with Toby Moody & Julian Ryder and GP legend Randy Mamola then again in the afternoon on the Beeb. In my humble opinion (is there any other?) the Eurosport guys are the best commentating team on any channel for any sport. They are funny, passionate about the sport and hugely knowledgeable. If something is going down on the track they will give the viewer an incredibly accurate guess as to what is happening and why. Parrish, on the other hand, is a twat.

Case in point - Sete Gibernau and the failing rear tyre. 4 or 5 laps from the end poor old Sete started wobbling round the corners and kept looking round at his back wheel, his lap times went up and he very quickly got mugged by his team-mate. The end of the race saw him not even attempt a cool-down lap, he just dumped the bike on the side of the track, poked at the rear tyre and stalked back to the pits.

The Eurosport team had the problem sussed on the very first wobble, no if, buts or alternatives, Sete's tyre was going off. Fact.
Steve 'when I used to ride' Parrish first put the problem down to engine trouble(?) and then settled on a fogged up visor(??) and, for the rest of the race, warbled on about how different helmet designs are these day from when he 'used to race'. Twat.

Even when the bike got dumped by the side of the track and Gibernau started poking the tyre he still didn't suss it, instead he decided he'd got it right first time with the engine trouble guess. Twat.

The man must have been an absolute joy to work with when he 'used to race'. You can just see him pulling into the pits, his RGV500 belching black smoke and he turns to his mechanic and says, 'You know mate, I think i've got a flat tyre'. Twat.