Thursday, April 28, 2005

hoodunnit?

For anyone who likes reading Agatha Cristie books, I have just finished her 'masterpiece', The Murder of Roger Ackroyd.




The Doctor did it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Tip of the Day #5

Chavs and BMW drivers, pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Monday, April 25, 2005

The world of Superbikes

Corser takes another double win.
Rutter does the double at Mallory.
Hodgson continues solid form.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Friday Fuckwits #4

Ladies & gentlemen, I give you Pope Benedict XVI. I bet you didn't see that coming.

We have wars killing thousands of innocents, we have famine, an AIDS epidemic, global capitalism gone mad and what does our new pontiff speak out on?

Gay Marriage.

Apparently, homosexuality is an evil abomination. We know this to be true because the bible says so (Leviticus 18:22). Mind you Leviticus also says that pig flesh is 'unclean' (11:7) but that hasn't stopped the Republic of Ireland playing rugby for the last 100 years. Or eating sausages I suspect.

And if we are going to live our life by the whole scripture (i mean, it would be hypocritical to pick and choose which parts of the holy book we live by wouldn't it?) then get ready for some quiet Saturdays. Isn't it written that 'Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be a holy day for you, a Sabbath of solemn rest to Yahweh: whoever does any work in it shall be put to death' (Exodus 35:2). Killing a 14 year old for delivering your Daily Mail on a Saturday seems a bit extreme I grant you, but like I said, we're not hypocrites are we.

Hypocricy aside, the biggest worry I have about this former Hitler Youth is the language he uses to condemn anything to do with gays. Evil? Wicked? Iniquitous? I mean bloody hell, if you're wicked because you fancy a bit of your own sex then what does that make you if you're a child-raping priest? Oh yeah, that's right, it makes you promoted out of harms way to the Vatican.

Frankly Joe (may I call you Joe?), being in a loving homosexual or sapphic relationship isn't evil. Or wicked. Or an abomination. It's none of your fucking business is what it is.

And don't get me started on contraception.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Village Life #2

Excerpts from transcript of Swanton Morley Parish Council Playing Fields Sub-committee. Swanton Morley Village Hall. Monday 18th April 2005.

Cool and hip Youth Club committee member:
Let me get this straight. It's going to cost us £3000 to bring the swings on the lower green up to RoSPA recommendations.

Old Git:
Yes, that's right.

Cool and hip Youth Club committee member:
Recommendations made during a RoSPA inspection carried out at the beginning of last June (nearly 10 months ago) that condemed every piece of play equipment in the village as unsafe and in need of either major repair or removal?

Old Git:
Yes, that's right.

Cool and hip Youth Club committee member:
And not one of these recommendations has been carried out yet?

Old Git:
No, they haven't.

Cool and hip Youth Club committee member:
And you've just discovered that the insurance on the equipment is null and void because the RoSPA report wasn't actioned within 60 days.

Old Git:
Yes, that's right.

Cool and hip Youth Club committee member:
You do realise the swings on the lower green are used almost exclusively by teenagers who utilise them as seats, not swings.

Old Git:
Yes, that's right.

Cool and hip Youth Club committee member:
You also note we have just spent 45 minutes talking about spending £3000 (out of a £5000 budget) on a set of swings that aren't used as swings when every other piece of play equipment is slowly falling apart?

Old Git:
Yes I do.

Cool and hip Youth Club committee member:
Wouldn't it be cheaper and more sensible to take the swings down and buy a bench?

Old Git:
Oh no, we couldn't do that, those swings have been up there for years.

Monday, April 18, 2005

My first meme, i'm a grown up blogger now. Thankyou Occupied Country

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
I assume this means what book would I be to sacrifice myself on the bonfire. I want to say something religious as revenge, but as works of fiction they've got some great stories. So i'm going to go with anything by Danielle Steele or John Grisham. They're not authors anymore, they write screenplays for tedious mini-series or run-of-the-mill Lawyer films thinly disguised as novels. You can't put that much effort into a book that size and still punt one out every summer in time for the holiday rush.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
From graphic novels (alright, comics) I've always had a thing for Judge Anderson. In a more literary sense, I enjoy reading the Susan Sto Helit books from the Discworld series. Don't think it's a crush though.

The last book you bought is:
Last fictional book was 'Lord Edgeware Dies' by Agatha Cristie.

The last book you read:
'The Illearth War', the second book in 'The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant'.

What are you currently reading?
'Lord Edgeware Dies'.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:
'Bag of Bones' - Stephen King. One of his best, creepy, emotional, totally gripping. First time I read it took just 2 days.
The Spike Milligan war memoirs if I can get them all in one volume. Abso-bloody-lutely hillarious and at times, incredibly touching stuff. The man was a tortured genius, No if's, no but's.
'The Lord of the Rings' - JRR Tolkien. Predictable? Probably, but a great story and should while away a few days.
'The Empyrion Saga' - Stephen Lawhead. Another cheat by picking a volume instead of an individual novel but Dammit, all my favourite stories tend to be stretched over several books. Must be a Sci-fi/fantasy thing.
'Magnum Degrees' - Introduction by Michael Ignatieff. A very big book of photographs covering ten years of Magnum photojournalism from the fall of the Berlin Wall onwards. Stunning imagery, incredible depth of talent and I can make a boat out of it and sail home (it really is that big!).

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?.
Cor, this depends on whether anyone pops in here and reads it.
First three to leave a comment win.

Estoril

A week ago the talk of the circuit was of last corner dodgems, this week it's the new wet weather rules.

In previous seasons a 'dry' race would be stopped if the rain came down. The teams would decide whether to change tyres or not, then the grid would reform in the positions on the last full lap before stoppage and off they go again with first over the line winning. This year there is no stoppage, instead a white flag goes out and then it is up to the riders whether they pit to change tyres/bikes.

Although this makes great TV and doesn't play havoc with live schedules it does make for a scary ride. I don't think one single rider pitted, all of them choosing instead to keep going. And who can blame them with an average pit taking between 30 and 45 seconds, or half a lap. Take the Gibernau/Barros battle at the front. With 6 seconds seperating them neither is going to head for the pits until the other one does. Gibernau paid for this by going down hard and he wasn't the only one. Edwards, Hayden and Bayliss also went down, not willing to give up their postition on the track for anything.

Is this safe? At the end of the day, it is the riders who now decide whether to continue racing in wet condition instead of Race Control which may not be a sensible thing. These are the best riders in the world and hugely competitive, willing to take risks in an effort to win.

At all costs? We shall see.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Friday Fuckwits #3

Inspired by a conversation I had yesterday with a plonker bloke I work with, todays fuckwits are all those people who can't utter an everyday, commonly used phrase without coming across as pretentious knobends. We were talking about bikes and there came a point in the conversation when that well used ditty 'bob's your uncle' would have slipped in without a batter of an eyelid. But what did the plonker bloke say?

"..and Robert's your mothers brother.."!

WHY? What's he trying to prove? That he's so clever he knows what relation his uncle is to him? Does he go to a family get together, walk up to his great aunt Betty and say "Hello, my fathers mothers sister Elizabeth"? No! So why can't he just say 'bob's your uncle' and be done with it.

Gorgon No. 1 is another proponent of this disturbing slaughter of everyday english. She never says 'taking the piss'. With her it's always 'extracting the urine'. And these people say it with such a smug, shit-eating grin on their face, like they're sooo much more intelligent and witty than us mere mortals who can't possibly grasp the finer points of our language. Well I'm sorry Medusa love but you can osculate my gluteus maximus*.

And while we're at it. Those stupid cleverdick remarks that you think people have never heard before? YES THEY HAVE! When I used to work in hotels the amount of times I would ask some punter if he wanted anthing else in his scotch and get the reply "just another one". Laugh? I nearly did.




*Look it up. I had to.

Monday, April 11, 2005

This weekends racing was mostly won by.....

Rossi and Kiyonari. Sounds almost as predictable as F1 but with a twist. The MotoGP at Jerez boiled down to 2 frantic final laps with Rossi and Gibernau swapping places and paintwork several times. It ended with the two of them coming together on the final corner after a dubious move by Rossi sent Gibernau into the gravel. He managed to stay on to finish second but things were not happy in Parc Ferme.

Rossi's body language here said a lot. He had to pull a desperate move to win the race and he knew it. Things are not going to be easy for him this year and I think we're going to see mistakes and crashes more than normal. We're also going to see more of his controversial side, the childish bully that has appeared periodically in the past (punch-up with Biaggi anyone?) and this could do him damage. He is already acknowledged as one of the greatest riders ever with the addest bonus of being a fun, laidback character ready to put himself down as much as anyone else. It would be a shame if he became known as a dirty racer, willing to do anything to win.

Can't comment on the BSB racing yet as I don't have Sky Sports but here's the BBC report.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Friday Fuckwits #2

This week I would like to nominate our Members of Parliment.

There is an election coming in less than a month, you may even have heard about it between news of papal deaths, kiddyfiddling popstars and carry on laughing Royal weddings. It is our opportunity to have our say in how the UK is run. Of course, for a large number of us our vote will count for nothing. In this country it is possible to get elected to power with an overall majority in the House of Commons despite winning just 40% of the vote.

I've obviously misunderstood the phrase 'OVERALL MAJORITY'. I always used to think it meant more people voted for you than everyone else put together but i've been wrong before.

Combine this rather strange idea of what constitutes a democracy with the leading Politicians of all parties coming across as a bunch of schoolkids trying to put one over each other (my policy's better than your policy, well my spin doctor could have your spin doctor in a fight) and you understand the ever increasing apathy displayed every time we're asked to sign our mark on a ballot paper. With 50% voter turnout a party can gain power with the mandate of just 20% of the eligible population.

What are our nations leaders doing about this? They are embarking on the most paranoid election campaign ever seen in this country. That's right folks, we've gone American!

You remember last year, the USA and an election that literally divided a nation. It was negative, nasty, played on peoples fears and generally showed the rest of the world how 'great' America's idea of democracy really is. Do we need this kind of bullshit? I don't want to spend the next month listening to personal attacks, being told how crap the other side is and being told how stupid I am to believe one over the other.

And what happens if you don't want to place your cross next to any of the candidates in your ward. Tough. You either vote for someone you don't want in charge LESS than anyone else or you don't vote at all. I would like to see on a all ballot papers a box for 'None of the Above'. This will not happen though because deep down our ruling class know that the 'None of the Above' party would win with an overwhelming landslide. And what would that do to their collective egos? But as the Natwest billboards tell us, there is another way.

Spoil your ballot paper.

Spoilt papers have to be counted and it is the best chance we have to say 'None of the Above'. And if enough people do it someone is going to have to sit up and take notice. It can work. After all, Jedi is now an official religion in this country.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Polite Notice

Over the last few days I have been seeing a lot of 'Polite Notices' everywhere.

POLITE NOTICE
Please keep control of your little ones as breakages must be paid for.
or
POLITE NOTICE
Please do not park here and block the driveways of our residents.

Why do they feel they need to tell us they're being polite? Isn't the fact these notices started with a 'please' a good enough clue? And what happens when people continually ignore your polite notice?

DOWNRIGHT FUCKING RUDE NOTICE
CONTROL THOSE FUCKING HYPERACTIVE BRATS YOU AND YOUR FAT, UGLY OTHER HALF SPAWNED AFTER A DRUNKEN SHAG IN A PISS-RIDDEN LAVATORY AT A MUTUAL FRIENDS 12TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FIVE YEARS AGO OR YOUR 'TOO MANY BIG MAC'S' LARD ARSES ARE GOING TO GO THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR SO FAST WE'LL PROBABLY FORGET TO OPEN IT FIRST.

That should get their attention.

Warning from a rabbit.

Under NO circumstances go to this website and download the screensavers. They are dangerously addictive in a 'Videodrome' stylee.

This morning I caught myself staring at 'Hyperspace' for over five minutes like a rabbit in headlights and now I can't get out of my head a desire to kill Richard Madeley.

Now, which way to Channel 4.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Tip of the Day #4

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Dear SMIDSY....

"So here's the thing: I'm a baby biker. I never bothered to learn to control a vehicle in my life... until I got a job 20 miles from where I live. I had little choice, I had to get something so I bought a little Gilera DNA 125 (yes, yes I know it doesn't count because it's "twist n' go"). Damn, next thing I know I'm a two wheels addict and I'm pottering all over the country with my biking mates. After some faffing I'm now doing my DA (whilst puttering around on one of my biking schools CG125's between lessons) and now I'm facing a really hard decision... What bike do I get after passing my DA? So who better to ask but SMIDSY and readers? So what do you guys think is a good first buy? My wish list is vast but the sensible inclusions are: Suzuki SV650s, Suzuki Bandit 600, The old Fazer 600, Hornet 600, Thundercat and I'm trying really hard to supress an urge for a CBR400 Gullarm..."

The Brubaker

Well Matt, my opinion first and then we'll open it to the floor. All the above bikes are a sensible first buy so next question is, what are you going to use the bike for? I notice you commuted on your DNA (cool scoot!) so I assume you will continue to do so.

IMO this would rule out the Hornet. It is a great bike but there is no wind protection and the tank range is abysmal. The Bandit has similar naked bike issues and is a bit soft for back road blasts. Out of the two Suzukis I would go for the SV.

Now for the Yamahas. I ride a Thundercat and my neighbour Rich used to ride a Fazer until last year. Both are terrific bikes, mechanically similar with an engine that still gets rave reviews. One is obviously sportier than the other with better suspension and a more extreme riding position but at the end of the day, Thundercats are the best!! (And red, black and white are the fastest).Seriously, either the 'Cat or the Fazer are a great choice.

As for the Gullarm, mmmmmmm nice wheels. Bit second bike for me though.

PS, sorry Dom, I couldn't get this up before you posted a reply to Brubakers original comment.