Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Kiyonari completes Brands double

From BBC Sport report.

Ryuichi Kiyonari finished sixth overall last year
Japan's Ryuichi Kiyonari made the perfect start to the British Superbike Championship by winning both races at the opening round at Brands Hatch.
The HM Plant Honda rider cruised to victory in the first race with Gregorio Lavilla second and Glen Richards third.

He had a harder battle in the second race but was able to come home ahead of Michael Rutter and Lavilla.

Reigning champion John Reynolds, who is racing a month after badly breaking his leg, took two ninth-place finishes.

Pole-sitter Leon Haslam fell off on the first lap and his bike stopped after he tried to rejoin the race.

Race 1 results:

1 Ryuichi Kiyonari (Jpn) Honda 23mins 17.575secs
2 Gregorio Lavilla (Spa) Ducati at 10.242secs
3 Glen Richards (Aus) Kawasaki at 10.432
4 Michael Rutter (Gbr) Honda at 10.533
5 Sean Emmett (Gbr) Yamaha at 14.168
6 Karl Harris (Gbr) Honda at 18.874
7 Jeremy McWilliams (Gbr) Honda at 24.408
8 Dean Thomas (Aus) Kawasaki at 24.604
9 John Reynolds (Gbr) Suzuki at 26.892
10 Tommy Hill (Gbr) Yamaha at 32.289

Race 2 resuts:

1 Ryuichi Kiyonari (Jpn) Honda 23mins 16.796secs
2 Michael Rutter (Gbr) Honda at 5.041secs
3 Gregorio Lavilla (Spa) Ducati at 8.027
4 Leon Haslam (Gbr) Ducati at 9.786
5 Sean Emmett (Gbr) Yamaha at 14.181
6 Karl Harris (Gbr) Honda at 14.421
7 Glen Richards (Aus) Kawasaki at 16.612
8 Scott Smart (Gbr) Suzuki at 24.002
9 John Reynolds (Gbr) Suzuki at 24.439
10 Gary Mason (Gbr) Honda at 24.506

Driver Championship Standings (after round one):

1 Ryuichi Kiyonari 50pts
2 Gregorio Lavilla 36
3 Michael Rutter 33
4 Glen Richards 25
5 Sean Emmett (Gbr) 22
6 Karl Harris 20
7 John Reynolds 14
8 Dean Thomas, Leon Haslam 13
10 Tommy Hill 10

Manufacturer Championship Standings (after round one):

1 Honda 50pts
2 Ducati 36
3 Kawasaki 25
4 Yamaha 22
5 Suzuki 15

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Hello and welcome to the NHS Mental Care Helpline

To enable us to direct you to the correct operatives please follow these instructions.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep - or before the beep - or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Friday Fuckwits #1

A new feature shamelessly nicked from The Mighty Crumb (now of course trumpeting Sunday Saviours in the company of Bonobo Love at The Mighty Love)

Question: What is more important?
A) A childs education or
B) A child wearing braids in her hair?

Answer: If you're the headteacher and govenors of Middleton Technology School in Rochdale then the answer is 'B'

The BBC reports that 13 year old Olivia Acton has been excluded from school because of her extreme hair style!

I'm sorry but WTF is going on here? Since when have braids been 'extreme'? 2' tall pink and green mohicans with shaved sides is extreme. Braids is just a hair style.

These people need to pull their heads out of their arses and get off this power trip, get a bit of perspective and get a life. The interesting thing is the two other pupils at the school who also have braided hair. One is black and one is mixed race. You can bet your life the govenors haven't booted them out because they know they would have every race pressure group camping out on their doorstep within 30 seconds.

This does of course makes them bigots, bullies and cowards. Just the sort of people we need in charge of our childrens education.

Tip of the Day #3

Need to use public transport? Keep the seat next to you on the bus or train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Revolutionary bike 'too quiet'

BBC NEWS | Europe | Revolutionary bike 'too quiet'

An interesting science article concerning a fuel cell motorbike that turns into a slagging off of motorcyclists by the Noise Abatement Society. Apparently, the sound of a Ducati on full song is 'excruciating'. But then these people probably think G4 have done a good cover version of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Davies boosted by new sponsorship

Welsh teenager Chaz Davies has landed a new sponsorship deal ahead of the new 250cc MotoGP world championship season reports the BBC. Great news this. He is one of our bright young stars and deserves all the help he gets. Jules Rider and Toby Moody on Eurosport are always bigging him up which can't hurt his career.

BikerPlan, sounds an excellent idea, insure yourself against the costs of getting yourself around if you lose your licence. Of course, as a responsible and mature rider, this won't affect me so luckily, they also cover you if your bikes been vandalised or you've hurt yourself some other way and can't ride. Good work fellas.

Tip of the Day #2

Audi A4 estate drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Monday, March 14, 2005

BBC SPORT | Motorsport | Motorbikes | Hodgson comes second in Daytona

Hodgson comes second in Daytona. Great result for Neil after a year of putting up with the D'Antin amateurs.

Tip of the Day #1

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Armaggedon outa here

I fear for my safety and the safety of everyone else on this planet. The gorgons have been bitching and moaning so much over the last few days the maelstrom of bile swirling round the office will soon reach critical mass.

This will, of course, be catastrophic.

The resulting explosion will throw the lighter 'spouse-moan' elements away from the core, infecting every middle aged woman in a five mile radius and making every middle aged mans life an utter misery. The heavier and much more unstable 'bigotry/duplicity' fusion cells will then collapse under their own weight, quickly becoming an 'emotional singularity'. All happy, positive feeling in the immediate area will be instantly sucked into the void, with the effect spreading rapidly over the following hours until the entire world has been crushed to the size of an atom and expelled in a superfast gaseous jetstream of pity.

Nothing can survive. The most heartfelt rendition of 'Give Peace a Chance' by an entire commune of stoned hippies would be pulled in, crushed to a pulp and spat out. Even if they sang it in a wavering voice with their eyes screwed up and swayed to the beat.

In the best CNN tradition I will try to remain at my post for as long as possible to let you all know the situation. The door to my office has been shut, the watercooler is in here with me and I have told the fitters not to phone in with any minor problems. I'm also trying to get 'Capital Gold' piped in by our IT guy, just hope they don't play any Sex Pistols. Mind you, if Whitney Houston comes on I might just trigger the apocalypse myself.

Wish me luck.

Friday, March 04, 2005

This is a biking blog after all.

I suppose that, as I have bikes in my title banner, the blog name is a well known biker phrase and I am the founding member of the Biking Blogs webring (places still available) I should really post something about my recent biking experiences.

Oh, wait, hang on a minute. I DON'T HAVE ANY!! Not since Wednesday when my six month old chain decided to snap itself in two whilst I was overtaking an Astra GTE driving Chav at errhmmcoughcough miles an hour. Not only did I have the chav making wanker motions (probably gets a lot of practice) as he re-passed my floundering steed I also managed to cover the eastbound lane of the A1067 and my rear tyre with engine oil. My engine oil. Oh shit.

Preliminary poking around and teeth sucking seem to indicate minor damage only, thank god. The chain and front sprocket didn't survive, neither did the front sprocket cover which is plastic. The engine casing did break round a bolt hole but is only surface damage and should be weldable. The oil looks like it came out of the small oil feeder inside the sprocket cover and, as the engine still runs, it doesn't sound like i've lost any cams or valves.

If anyone out there has a Thundercat they are breaking or any TCat spares that could help, please feel free to leave a comment.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Deerhunter revisited

The latest round of Watercooler Roulette is nearing its climax and things are getting very tense in the office. Who is going to get the last drop out of the bottle and will they get a full cup? Or are they going to have to ask me to go and get a new container from downstairs?

I am normally the last person any of the gorgons would ask for help but, out of the other two guys in the office, one's over at the storage unit and the other one had a major falling out with Sthenno (gorgon 2) this morning. Out of loyalty for her greviously wounded sister, Medusa has declared him ostracised until further notice so that leaves me as the only acreditted 'male' able to carry a replacement water bottle up the stairs.

Now i'm not a cruel person but I am getting some small sadistic pleasure out of watching the snakeheads squirm at the thought of coming into my little glass broom cupboard to (shudder) speak to me. The normal practice of getting everyones water when going to the cooler has ceased and the loyalties built on vindictiveness and bile are starting to look shakey.

Not that i'm trying to prolong their agony or anything but i've been getting my water from the cooler in the sales office.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


I'm very excited about this. The first proper trailer for the new H2G2 (that's Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy) movie is out. Check it out here.

I think Martin Freeman was born to play Arthur Dent and Bill Knighy as Slartibartfast is inspired. Not sure about the way they've done Zaphod's heads though.
Getting geekishly excited and can't wait 'til April 29th.

Perhaps i'm just being ignorant...

.. beacuse i'm not overly politically minded but it strikes me that, when you start telling other countries to get their act together democratically, shouldn't your own country reflect this? The Terrorism Bill has been amended to allow judges to decide who should be denied basic human rights, not a politician. Thank god for that. I guess GB's democracy is still sort of functioning, unlike Uncle Dubya's place across the pond where 'citizens' are subject to laws that no-one is allowed to know about that have been passed without debate and are enforced without explanation.